Cabin Pressure - Limerick.doc

1、CABIN PRESSURE Series 2, Episode 6: Limerick (Bing-Bong)DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, were now about half way through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick. And I just thought Id let you know that I am bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored! Were, unbelievably, still flying over Rus

2、sia, which continues to be stupidly big, really enormous, far bigger than necessary. Weve been in the air now for about a week. It doesnt look like well be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories or would like to have some sex, ple

3、ase do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you.MARTIN: Err, ladies and gentlemen, I doI do profoundly apologize for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you werent distressed by his outburst. And, and let me just say, in his defence, that up here in the flight de

4、ck it is unbelievably bor-ring!DOUGLAS: So boring!MARTIN: So very, very, very, boring!DOUGLAS & MARTIN: Bored!(Opening credits -This week: Limerick)MARTIN: Why does Tipperary always get the blame for it being a long way to? Its an even longer way to Limerick.DOUGLAS: Only by about that 30 miles.MART

5、IN: Dont suppose they sing about it much there then.DOUGLAS: What? Where?MARTIN: Its a long way to Tipperary. In Limerick, well they probably have their own version. Its a short way to Tipperary. Im just popping up there now actually. Can I get you anything?DOUGLAS: Theyre certainly both a hell of l

6、ong way from Hong Kong.MARTIN: Thats true. And all just for this (patting at a box). And youd think they could pop it in the post, wouldnt you?DOUGLAS: Well, its time sensitive of course. And the chap was telling me its more valuable ounce for ounce than gold. Rhymes for flight (game).MARTIN: Bite,

7、Fight, Night, Right.DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, heres one. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, were just flying over Gloucestershire now. You may be able to make out a town below, though its quite hard to identify through the cloud cover. Or as they say, in Limerick. We hope youre enjoying the flight. On yo

8、ur left, were just coming in sight of Swindon or Stroud, all covered in cloud. And its much the same thing on the right.MARTIN: Davina McCallDOUGLAS: Yes, fair enough. You can have that.ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. Nice one, Douglas. Just to settle an argument though.CAROLYN: Its not an argument. Its you bein

9、g wrong.ARTHUR: Just settling me being wrong. Are we really over Swindon and Stroud?DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, not for hours yet.CAROLYN: Told you, clot.DOUGLAS: Wishful thinking, Im afraid. And I felt Swindon and Stroud might be easier to rhyme than Krasnoar meysk and Vyshny Volochyok.ARTHUR: Oh, right.

10、“Myshny Molomyok”, “Gyshny Gologyok”, “Chyshny Cholochyok”. Yes, see what you mean, “Vyshny VoloVyok” (rhyme game).DOUGLAS: Yes, maybe we could leave you to go through the rest of the alphabet off the intercom?ARTHUR: Ok. Oh, before I go though, whats the time?MARTIN: Wheres your watch?ARTHUR: Its b

11、roken. I was trying to find out the difference between splashproof and waterproof.MARTIN: Well, Arthur, the time is just coming up to 9:16, now.DOUGLAS: Yes, or to be a little bit more precise, 6:33.MARTIN: No, it isnt.DOUGLAS: Yes, it is.MARTIN: No it - Damn, its done it again.DOUGLAS: You see, Art

12、hur, you and Martin have something in common.ARTHUR: Brilliant!DOUGLAS: Its that both of your watches are broken.MARTIN: No, it isnt. Its just bedding in.CAROLYN: Arthur, its an intercom, not a chat line. Youre supposed to be putting the dinner on.ARTHUR: Oh, right. Sorry, Mum.MARTIN: Its just becau

13、se you cant bear to admit that I picked up a genuine Patek Philippe for almost nothing.DOUGLAS: In Hong Kong.MARTIN: Look, Im not stupid. I realizes most of the watches in shops like that are fakes. Thats why I went for this one. This this was the one he didnt want to show me.DOUGLAS: Oh, yes?MARTIN

14、: Yes, you see. At first he got out his standard tourist trap tray of ROOLEXs and OBEGAs (fakes) . I just said to him, “Look, Im not a tourist. Im an airline pilot.”DOUGLAS: You shouldve told him you were a captain.MARTIN: I did actually.DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise.MARTIN: No, but I was too clever

15、for him. I spotted this one right at the back of high shelf. He said, “Oh, I was hoping you would not see that.”DOUGLAS: Oh, did he? Gosh, so just clarify for me, why did he have it in his shop?MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Why did he put something that he hoped he wouldnt have to sell in his shop? Why not

16、put it, I dont know, under his bed? Is it like a forfeit system he set up for himself?CAROLYN: Evening, drivers. Oh. isnt that a lovely sunset?DOUGLAS & MARTIN (simultaneously): No, its not!CAROLYN: Oh, all right. Now, Douglas, give me a Bing-Bong.DOUGLAS: Oh, but Carolyn, this is all so sudden.CARO

17、LYN: Oh, hoho, funny pilot, Bing-Bong, please. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat belt sign, so please ensure your hand baggage and duty-free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or as they

18、say, in Limerick. The captain has turned on the signs, so stow away bags of all kinds. Then make sure your tray is folded away and your seat back no longer reclines.DOUGLAS: Yes. Do I take it as youre bored back there as were up here?CAROLYN: Well, honestly, 14 hours with the broken DVD player, no p

19、assengers to tease, and the ever present fear that Ill weaken and let Arthur play charades.MARTIN: No!DOUGLAS: You must be strong. That might well make the boredom levels actually fatal.CAROLYN: I know. Well, havent you two got a game going or something?MARTIN: Just started one actually. Agatha Chri

20、stie.DOUGLAS: Yes, true. Russell Crowe.MARTIN: Good one.CAROLYN: What is it?MARTIN: Its people who arent evil but have evil-sounding names. Like Russel Crowe.CAROLYN: Whats wrong with Russell Crowe?MARTIN: Russell Crowe! (in evils voice)DOUGLAS: Russell Crowe! (in evils voice)CAROLYN: No, no, no, no

21、Russell Crowe, here to save the day.DOUGLAS: Mark me well. Soon youll rue the day you dared to cross Russell Crowe!CAROLYN: All right, then yes.MARTIN: So far Douglas has got him, and I got Agfa Christie and Davina McCall.CAROLYN: Because obviously it has to be a competition.DOUGLAS: Of course. Its

22、who can get most in half an hour ending at seven as measured by Martins watch, which adds a pleasingly random element.MARTIN: No, it doesnt.CAROLYN: Evelyn Waugh.DOUGLAS: Not bad.ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps. Wow, brilliant sunset!MARTIN: No, it isntDOUGLAS (simultaneously as Martin): No, its not.ARTHUR: O

23、h, okay, rubbish sunset.MARTIN: Arthur, “M”.ARTHUR: What? Oh! Mountain, Moccasin, Magma.CAROLYN: Whats this now?DOUGLAS: Arthurs trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favors the spot-check method of revision and none of the above Arthur, no.ARTHUR: Err, Molecule, Mongoose, MosquitoMARTIN: Shorte

24、r.ARTHUR: Mosque!CAROLYN: Its a name.ARTHUR: Macnamara, Mitchison, Moon.DOUGLAS: A first name.ARTHUR: Martin, Maggie, Milly, Molly, Mandy, Matthew, Michael.CAROLYN: Nearly, shorter.ARTHUR: Micky, Mick, Mi, Mo!MARTIN: No, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of letter M is not “Mo”. Its Mike.ARTHUR:

25、 I was close then.MARTIN: In comparison to Molecule, Milly, Molly, Mandyyes.ARTHUR: Brilliant! Anyway, like I say, coffee?CAROLYN: Careful! Dont put it on that.ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry, why? Whats that?CAROLYN: That is the cargo, the whole reason we are here.ARTHUR: Wow! That, that box, thats all? Whats

26、 in it?DOUGLAS: Guess.ARTHUR: Oh, great!CAROLYN: This could take a whileDOUGLAS: If theres one thing weve got, its a while. Go on, Arthur, 20 questions.ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant. 20 questions. Or, charades?OTHERS: No!ARTHUR: But Ive got I really got a good one. Oh, all right. Is it a diamond?MARTIN: No

27、, 19.ARTHUR: Is it a ruby?MARTIN: No, 18.DOUGLAS: You might want to start with more general questions, Arthur.ARTHUR: Ok, animal, vegetable or mineral?MARTIN: Animal, 17.ARTHUR: Right. Is it bigger than a sheep?CAROLYN: Look at the size of the boxARTHUR: Oh, yeah, is it bigger than the box?DOUGLAS:

28、Is it bigger than the box its inNo, its not. 15.ARTHUR: Is it alive?DOUGLAS: Ah, interesting. Debatable. 14.MARTIN: Really, debatable?DOUGLAS: Wouldnt you say?MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I suppose so, yes.ARTHUR: Is it valuable?CAROLYN: No, of course not! The client just chartered a plane and two pilots to fl

29、y a packet of crisps half around the world. Arthur, you remember when I told you to put the dinner on?ARTHUR: YeahCAROLYN: Did you in fact do that?ARTHUR: No, no now I think about it. I got mixed up and made coffee.CAROLYN: Yeah, perhaps. Then perhaps you could have another crack-at-it now.ARTHUR: R

30、ight-o, what are we having?CAROLYN: Admirals pie.ARTHUR: Ok, is that the same as the Fishermans pie?CAROLYN: No, its not. The Admiral and Fisherman favor, entirely different pies.ARTHUR: Right so, how long does it get in the micro?CAROLYN: 3 minutes, 1 minute, 3 minutes.ARTHUR: Ok!DOUGLAS: I dont kn

31、ow when Ive looked forward to a meal more.CAROLYN: Oh, be quiet!CAROLYN: Is it me or is the sun not getting any lower?DOUGLAS: No, its not just you.MARTIN: Because were flying west into a sunset near the Arctic circle.DOUGLAS: Every time it just dips behind the horizon. ATC makes us climb a thousand

32、 feet and up it pops again like Gods own fiery yo-yo.ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum, did you say 1 minute, 3 minutes, 1 minute?CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake, no, of course not. What cooks for 1 minute and stands for 3? Its 3, 1, 3!ARTHUR: Oh, right. Ok, actually I think thats easy to remember because Ill just

33、think of 4-3-3 squadron and only remember to swap the first two numbers and take 3 off the middle one.CAROLYN: Arthur, are you insane? Thats the stupidest way to remember anything Ive ever heard.MARTIN: Also its not 4-3-3 squadron. Its 6-3-3 squadron.ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, thanks, Skipper. So first Ive g

34、ot to add 2 to the first squadron I think it is, to get the real squadron, and then swap.CAROLYN: No, dont do any of that. Just remember it. Just use your brain and remember the three numbers.ARTHUR: Yes, sorry. 3, 3.CAROLYN: No! Oh, come with me.MARTIN: So, hows Helena?DOUGLAS: What do you mean? Wh

35、at are you getting at?MARTIN: Im asking after the health of your wife.DOUGLAS: Oh yes, as a preparation for a crack about her thinking what she thinks.MARTIN: No, as a way finding out how she is.DOUGLAS: Shes fine.MARTIN: Good. Why are you suddenly soDOUGLAS: Im not suddenly anything. Anyway, hows y

36、ourMARTIN: My what?DOUGLAS: I dont know. There must be someone by now. No?MARTIN: No, still no.DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Youre a young single airline captain. How difficult can it be?MARTIN: Really, really difficult.DOUGLAS: Well what about cabin crew?MARTIN: Hmm, well, for two very different reasons, Im

37、 afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat.DOUGLAS: Not our cabin crew. Everybody elses. All those gorgeous stewardesses down route.MARTIN: Actually I think the whole “Hosties easy” thing is a bit of sexist male fantasy.DOUGLAS: No, its not.MARTIN: Oh, right, you pull stewardesses all th

38、e time then, do you?DOUGLAS: Certainly not. Im a happily married man.MARTIN: Yes, right, but you have done.DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine.MARTIN: Well, thats not true for a start. I can imagine a thousand stewardesses.DOUGLAS: And your point is?ARTHUR: Err, chaps, two quick things.DOUGL

39、AS: “J”.ARTHUR: Oh! Justin, Jeffery, Jilly, Jenny, Georgina.MARTIN: Its one half of a famous pair of lovers.ARTHUR: June!DOUGLAS: If you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry and June.MARTIN: Romeo andARTHUR: Jumeo! Juleo! Juliet!MARTIN: Yes!ARTHUR: I got that quite

40、quickly, didnt I?DOUGLAS: Quite quickly?!ARTHUR: Yeah. Now, yeah, two things. First, Douglas, what was that place again?DOUGLAS: What place?ARTHUR: The one we were over. The one you said I couldnt rhymeDOUGLAS: Oh, err, Vshnny Volochyok.ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I thought, what if, you had a musical instrument, right? And you wanted to make sure there werent any sea-creatures on it.