Cabin Pressure - Johannesburg.doc

1、CABIN PRESSURE 2x04 JOHANNESBURG(ding-dong)ARTHUR: (on intercomm) Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process today has now reached its ultimate termination.CAROLYN: He means weve landed.ARTHUR: Yes. So as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindl

2、y ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarcation.CAROLYN: He means take your stuff with you.ARTHUR: In concluding, its been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in-flight experience today, and I do hope youll refavor o

3、urselves with the esteem of your forth-looking? custom going forward.CAROLYN: No idea.CREDITS - This week: Johannesburg!DOUGLAS: Okay, Martin, two miles to run. Descend to five hundred feet. Stand by for visual on target.MARTIN: Douglas, are we certain about this?DOUGLAS: Quite certain.MARTIN: Right

4、. Its just . . . (exhales) Im sure its going to be fine -DOUGLAS: Excellent. Im also sure its going to be fine.MARTIN: The thing is, though, Im not sure its going to be fine.DOUGLAS: What an exquisite paradox. Luckily, though, Im still completely sure its going to be fine. So as Im a hundred percent

5、 sure, and youre fifty each way, that still gives us a comfortable hundred and fifty percent working majority. MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Target in sight. Level five hundred feet. Left, left. Waggle wings. And open air brakes . . . now. (pause) Oh.MARTIN: What? What? What? I cant see! What happened?D

6、OUGLAS: I may have very slightly overestimated how fine it would be.CAROLYN: What were you thinking?MARTIN: All we were trying -CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Douglas, what were you thinking?DOUGLAS: I just thought, since I had to work on my daughters birthday, it would be nice to do a little fly past of

7、 her party on the way.CAROLYN: Barrow-in-Furness is not on the way to Paris. So first you stole my aircraft -DOUGLAS: I wouldnt call it stealing. CAROLYN: I paid you to fly three hundred miles southwest. You flew it two hundred miles northeast. What is that if not stealing?DOUGLAS: Hijacking, at mos

8、t.MARTIN: Carolyn -CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. (to Douglas) But of course, you were just warming up, because not only did you steal my aircraft, you then chose to mark your arrival at the childrens birthday party by dropping a bomb on it.DOUGLAS: The idea was perfectly sound!CAROLYN: The idea was term

9、inally stupid! (to Martin) Was it your idea, Martin?MARTIN: No, it wasnt! Oh, and Im allowed to speak again now, am I?CAROLYN: No, shut up.DOUGLAS: It was my idea. It occurred to me that if we filled the air brake cavity with boiled sweets, and then opened it just as we were flying over -CAROLYN: Yo

10、u could strafe your daughters birthday party.DOUGLAS: No, not strafe! We werent going anything like fast enough! We did check!MARTIN: I did the calculations.DOUGLAS: And we were quite sure the sweets would flutter gently down to the excited children beneath, and so they would have done, if it hadnt

11、been rather a hot day, and the sweets in the metal compartment hadnt melted a little. And then, up in the cold air, solidified again, into a . . .CAROLYN: A sugar brick. DOUGLAS: (pause) Yes.CAROLYN: Which you dropped on your ex-wifes house.DOUGLAS: Yes, but we were very lucky, really. We could have

12、 hit her conservatory. Or her BMW.CAROLYN: Or a child!DOUGLAS: Now dont exaggerate. All the children had run for safety long before it landed!CAROLYN: That is not as reassuring a sentence as you seem to think.DOUGLAS: Im just saying, we couldnt have hit a child! But I admit, we could have hit a car.

13、CAROLYN: But you didnt hit a car, did you? You hit a carp.DOUGLAS: Yes.CAROLYN: Do you have any idea how much a koi carp costs?DOUGLAS: I do now, yes. But dont worry, I dont expect you to pay for it.CAROLYN: You d - Of course you dont expect me to pay for it! Why in heaven would I pay for it?DOUGLAS

14、: Well, as you pointed out, it is your plane.CAROLYN: Yes, and I paid you to use it to fly a franking machine to Paris, not to fly a multi-colored confectionary brick to Cumbria and drop it on a fish!MARTIN: Well, to be fair, we did go to Paris afterwards.CAROLYN: Martin, really, shut absolutely up.

15、MARTIN: Right. CAROLYN: Look. Both of you. Im being serious. With my serious face. You cannot keep doing things like this. I will spell it out in words of one syllable. If - you - waste - my - money - we - will - go - bust - you - will - have - no - job.DOUGLAS: (pause) Cash. Not mon-ey.CAROLYN: Ple

16、ase! Will you take this seriously! We cant go on like this! Look at the trip budget youve submitted for Johannesburg next week - fourteen thousand pounds! Are we flying there on the backs of unicorns?MARTIN: Its pared to the bone, I promise you - I cant compromise safety for economy!CAROLYN: Thats r

17、ich, coming from the Bomber of Barrow.DOUGLAS: Im sorry, Carolyn, its just that the Captain and myself are deeply unmaterialistic. Our souls are rather beautiful that way, actually.CAROLYN: Is that so? Alright then, First Officer Gandhi, Ill tell you what Ill do. On a one-trip trial basis, if you ca

18、n magically shave, say, two thousand pounds off that pared-to-the-bone budget, you can split it between you, which should just about pay for the carp. But if it comes in so much as a penny over twelve thousand pounds, you pay me a grand each. Deal?DOUGLAS: Absolutely, deal.MARTIN: No, wait, Douglas!

19、 The budget really is pretty tight! How on earth -DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Trust me! (to Carolyn) Deal.ARTHUR: Chaps, my galleys been burgled. Theyve taken the trolley, the duty-free, the microwave, even the hot-water boiler.DOUGLAS: Sorry, Arthur, that was me. The lighter we keep the plane, the less fu

20、el we need, so Ive offloaded all unnecessary dead weight. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh?ARTHUR: But howm I supposed to heat up the catering?DOUGLAS: Oh, Ive canceled the catering.MARTIN: You canceled our food? For a twelve-hour flight?DOUGLAS: Needless expense. Dont worry, I rustled us up

21、 a little something myself.ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas, you should have asked me!DOUGLAS: Should I, though, Arthur? Really? The inventor of fizzy yogurt?ARTHUR: To be fair, I didnt invent that so much as discover the process that makes it.DOUGLAS: Yes. Yogurt plus time. Here, take these.ARTHUR: Righto. Uh,

22、how do I prepare them?DOUGLAS: Take lids off boxes. Empty onto plates. Give to pilots. And - and I cant stress this strongly enough - do nothing else to it whatsoever.MARTIN: Is that really going to save us much money, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Every little helps. Why? What have you come up with?MARTIN: Well

23、, uh, had a good think last night, and I think so long as we get the long runway at Joburg, we may be able to land without using the wheel-brakes.DOUGLAS: I see. And thatll save us what?MARTIN: Well, itll prolong the life of the brakes.DOUGLAS: To the tune of . . .?MARTIN: Obviously not in a calcula

24、ble way.DOUGLAS: Terrific. Well done.MARTIN: Well, alright, what else have you come up with?DOUGLAS: Turn off air conditioning, only take half the liquid oxygen, keep air recirculation fans on, and only use one engine to taxi, and Im just getting warmed up.ARTHUR: So, if doing those things saves mon

25、ey, why dont we do it all the time?DOUGLAS: Well, the most tiresome of pettifoggers might question whether it constituted absolute best practice.MARTIN: You mean its horrendously illegal?DOUGLAS: “Horrendously“ is a strong word. MARTIN: I notice youre not quibbling “illegal.“DOUGLAS: Not dangerously

26、 illegal. Its not like Im suggesting we only fly on one engine, although . . .MARTIN: NO!MARTIN: (eating) This is excellent, Douglas! Did you really cook it yourself?DOUGLAS: I did indeed.MARTIN: Mm, its lovely.DOUGLAS: Im very good at cooking.MARTIN: Is there anything youre not very good at? (long

27、pause) Douglas?DOUGLAS: Im thinking. There are things I havent tried yet; I suppose its possible Im not very good at some of those. Theoretically.MARTIN: Well, (eating) this is great. Unusual flavor - what is it?DOUGLAS: Carp.MARTIN: But . . . not . . .DOUGLAS: When I pay a thousand pounds for a fis

28、h, I dont just throw it in the bin. Now, then, when we get to Joburg, obviously we can save a lot on hotels.MARTIN: How?DOUGLAS: By not staying in one.MARTIN: So where will we sleep?DOUGLAS: Well, Im a happily married man, so I shall sleep in the plane. But you, mlad, have four hours in hand to get

29、yourself invited to the Johannesburgian bedroom of your choice.MARTIN: Ha ha ha! Yes, Ill sleep in the plane too.DOUGLAS: That uniforms wasted on you, it really is.ding-ding-dingDOUGLAS: Ah, fancy that! MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Little flashing warning light, Captain. Anti-icing the starboard wing. Decl

30、aring itself rabbit of negative euphoria.MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Not a happy bunny.MARTIN: Right, okay, okay, okay! Isolate the anti-icing valves, port and starboard, prepare for landing, and -DOUGLAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We dont need to divert, we can do without anti-icing!MARTIN: No, we cant!DOU

31、GLAS: Martin. Were currently flying over southern Spain. Were about to fly the length of continental Africa. May I suggest that ice may not be our most formidable foe?MARTIN: You know perfectly well the hotter it is, the quicker ice will form if we fly through clouds.DOUGLAS: But I have a strategic

32、master-stroke to counter that. Lets not fly through any clouds.MARTIN: But there are clouds - look!DOUGLAS: What? Those little fluffies? We can just weave in and out of those! And we only have to keep the starboard wing out of them, anyway. Itll be fun!MARTIN: No, Douglas, were landing and getting i

33、t fixed.DOUGLAS: You know what? I was wrong about the warning light. Its not on; I made a mistake.MARTIN: I can see it!DOUGLAS: No, Martin. Thats an optical illusion, caused by the fierce glare of the sun. The hot, Mediterranean, ice-melting sun. Which will beat down on us as we pay landing fees and

34、 engineers fees and hope theyll fix us in time to get to Joburg tonight. In Spain. Lovely people, magnificent culture, not famed for their snap-to-it efficiency.MARTIN: Yeah, I know, I - Im sorry, but I have to.DOUGLAS: (groans)MARTIN: (on radio) Madrid. Golf-Tango-India. We have a system malfunctio

35、n. Require radar vectors to nearest suitable airfield.MARTIN: And, post-landing checks complete.CAROLYN: Gentlemen! I cant help but notice weve landed three hours after takeoff. Which means either you have discovered a hitherto unsuspected warp-drive button, or this isnt Johannesburg.MARTIN: Carolyn

36、, Im sorry, you can rant and rave all you like, but we had to divert. The anti-icing system was -CAROLYN: Yes, fine, whatever you think.MARTIN: Really?CAROLYN: Yes, of course. Im sure you had your reasons.MARTIN: Well, yes, but dont you want to hear them and then disagree with them? I thought youd b

37、e more . . . furious.CAROLYN: Yes, its curious, isnt it? Curious Im not furious. It turns out I mind losing money a lot less just so long as Douglas is losing it too.MARTIN: And me.CAROLYN: Yes, but for some reason, you losing money doesnt make me happy the way Douglas losing money does.MARTIN: Oh,

38、well . . . thank you, I suppose.CAROLYN: Youre very welcome.DOUGLAS: Well, sorry to disappoint you, Carolyn, but I have no intention of losing any money. The landing fee should be pretty light in a tiny airfield like this, and it doesnt shut till five - plenty of time for them to fix Gertie.ARTHUR:

39、Chaps? Have we landed?DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, well spotted.ARTHUR: Well, uh, since youve taken away my water boiler, can I order some hot water here?MARTIN: Yes, of course.DOUGLAS: No, no, no!MARTIN: Oh, come on, Im not flying the length of Africa without coffee - we need hot water!DOUGLAS: Certainly,

40、 but we dont need to pay thirty Euros for it. Theres an old flying-school trick I know.MARTIN: Of course there is.DOUGLAS: Arthur. Get a wine bottle, fill it with water, and using the asbestos gloves, place it very carefully on the lip of one of the engine exhausts. Hey presto - boiling water.CAROLY

41、N: Good heavens, Douglas has discovered his inner Womble.ARTHUR: But . . . doesnt the air come out of the back of those engines pretty fast?DOUGLAS: Arthur. The engines arent on. Clues to this include the aircraft being stationary, on the ground, and eerily quiet. But theyll still be hot from the fl

42、ight.ARTHUR: Ahhh. Right, yes. Because I was thinking, otherwise, I might have had a bit of a job -DOUGLAS: Balancing a wine bottle in a fourteen-hundred-mile-an-hour jet blast? Yes, I imagine you would.SEOR QUINTANILLA: Im sorry, we have no engineer at this airfield.DOUGLAS: Right. So what do you d

43、o when you need an engineer?SEOR QUINTANILLA: We call Diego out from the big airport at Albacete.DOUGLAS: Well, can you do that now, please?SEOR QUINTANILLA: I can.DOUGLAS: Then do.SEOR QUINTANILLA: But he wont come.CAROLYN: Do you know, I think what I like about this conversation most, Douglas, is

44、that youre the one having to have it.DOUGLAS: Why wont he come?SEOR QUINTANILLA: He cannot. His car is broke down.DOUGLAS: The engineers car is broken down?SEOR QUINTANILLA: Yes.CAROLYN: Thats not a terribly good sign, is it?DOUGLAS: Well, can we go and get him?SEOR QUINTANILLA: I suppose, but how?

45、You have no car.CAROLYN: Ah, hes got you there.DOUGLAS: Can we hire a car?SEOR QUINTANILLA: Not here, maybe from the airport at Albacete?DOUGLAS: The place we want the car to get to.SEOR QUINTANILLA: Is the nearest place.DOUGLAS: Well, can we borrow a car?SEOR QUINTANILLA: Whose car?DOUGLAS: Well, I

46、 dont know - your car!SEOR QUINTANILLA: No.DOUGLAS: Why not?SEOR QUINTANILLA: Its a nice car. A BMW.CAROLYN: Well, Douglas here has an excellent safety record with BMWs. Only last week he didnt drop a brick on one.DOUGLAS: Carolyn, youre really not helping!CAROLYN: I know, Im not trying to. Its fun,

47、 this, isnt it, chipping in from the sidelines; I can see why youre so fond of it.DOUGLAS: Seor Quintanilla.SEOR QUINTANILLA: S.DOUGLAS: Surely there is a vehicle somewhere on this airfield we can pay you a hundred Euros to let us drive to Albacete and back?SEOR QUINTANILLA: Ehh. Maybe there is some

48、thing.ARTHUR: Three men went to mow, went to mow a meadow! Three men, two men, one man, and his dog! (speaking) Thats where you say “woof, woof,“ Skip.MARTIN: No, it isnt.ARTHUR: I think it is. Because its just after the word “dog,“ and dogs go -MARTIN: I mean Im not saying “woof, woof.“ARTHUR: It w

49、ould cheer you up.MARTIN: We are driving across the Spanish plains in the heat of the day on a sixty-mile round trip on unmade roads in a baggage truck! Its going to take more to cheer me up than saying “woof, woof.“ARTHUR: Well, if youre sure. It always cheers me up. Can we have the air conditioning on, please?MARTIN: The air - there is no air conditioning! Why would you have air conditioning on a vehicle with no doors? ARTHUR: To keep it cool.MARTIN