Cabin Pressure - Ottery St Mary.doc

1、Cabin Pressure Ottery St.MaryARTHUR: Here we are, chaps er, chap! Coffee for you, Douglas, and coffee for you - to maybe have a bit later on, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Did you by any chance forget Martin wasnt flying today, Arthur?ARTHUR: No, I didnt actually. Its just I only know the amounts to make coffee

2、for two people.DOUGLAS: You could just have made half of what you usually make.ARTHUR: Well, I couldnt, because Id only know what to make half of once Id made it, and once Id made it, Id made it.DOUGLAS: Oh well, fair enough then. I didnt realise youd addressed the problem scientifically. (There is

3、a bing-bong.) Hello, Starbucks, Irish Sea.MARTIN: Douglas, its Martin.DOUGLAS: Hello there. Enjoying your day off?MARTIN: No. Douglas, how long till you land?DOUGLAS: About half an hour. Why?MARTIN: Great! Is Arthur there?DOUGLAS: Well, not all there.ARTHUR: Hello, Skip! This is weird, isnt it? Beca

4、use normally when Im here listening to someone on sat-com, youre here, too, listening to them, only now youre there where they are, and Im here, where you usually are and where I usually am and am now, talking to you!DOUGLAS: You find Arthur in philosophical mood.MARTIN: Arthur, I need you to help m

5、e.ARTHUR: Brilliant! I love helping!MARTIN: Well, this is a big help, a very big help.ARTHUR: No problem, Skip I am a very big helper.MARTIN: Well, Arthur, erm Douglas, are you still listening?DOUGLAS: I dont have an enormous amount of choice, Martin.MARTIN: Cant you put your fingers in your ears?DO

6、UGLAS: Heaven knows Im not generally a stickler for safety procedures, but Im not certain thats a good idea whilst flying an aeroplane.MARTIN: Fine. Arthur, Im at Fitton Hospital.ARTHUR: Oh no! Are you all right?MARTIN: No, Ive sprained my ankle.DOUGLAS: Oh dear, how did you do that?MARTIN: I was it

7、 doesnt matter how.DOUGLAS: Martin.MARTIN: Look, its a perfectly valid tool, when teaching best safety practice, to demonstrate the wrong way as well as the right way.DOUGLAS: You twisted your ankle, whilst teaching someone how not to twist their ankle?MARTIN: Anyway, Arthur, you know how though Im

8、mostly a pilot, Im also a bit of a man with a van?ARTHUR: Yeah.MARTIN: Well, today right now actually Im supposed to be picking up a piano in Fitton and delivering it to a pub in Devon.ARTHUR: Wouldnt have thought you could do that with a sprained ankle.MARTIN: No, Arthur, I cant. This is where the

9、you helping me part comes in. My van is at the airfield, and the addresses and the spare van keys are in my pigeonhole.DOUGLAS: Spare Van Keys didnt we fly him to Amsterdam once?MARTIN: Douglas, shh! Arthur, when you land, do you think that you could - c-c-could you pick them up, find my van, pick m

10、e up at the hospital, drive me to Fitton, load a piano and then - drive me to Ottery St. Mary?ARTHUR: Yeah, no problem. All right, bye!DOUGLAS: Really, Martin? Arthur? Is this wise?ARTHUR: Hey!MARTIN: I know! I know! But I - I dont have a choice!ARTHUR: Double hey! I can do it.DOUGLAS: Would it be w

11、orse for you to cancel the job or to rely on Arthur - Arthur - to pick up and drive a piano - a piano - two hundred miles in a van a van?ARTHUR: Why shouldnt I?DOUGLAS: Because, Arthur, youre a clot.ARTHUR: Im not a clot! Whats a clot?DOUGLAS: Well, you know the way that you are and the things that

12、you do?ARTHUR: Yeah?DOUGLAS: Those are the ways of a clot.MARTIN: Douglas, youre forgetting Ill be there with him the whole time, supervising.DOUGLAS: Oh, then what can possibly go wrong?MARTIN: Theres no-one else to ask!DOUGLAS: No-one?MARTIN: No!DOUGLAS: Ahem.MARTIN: Really? Would you?DOUGLAS: Wel

13、l, Ive nothing else to do today, and its always useful to have someone owe you a colossal favour.ARTHUR: But I can still come, right?DOUGLAS: Of course!MARTIN: Uh, really, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Oh yes! I see my role as very much a managerial one, with perhaps a little light driving. If you want actual pi

14、ano shoving done, well need a piano shover.ARTHUR: Brilliant!CAROLYN: Ah, yes? Oh, hello, you two.ARTHUR: Hello, mum! Gertis all Hoovered and locked up, so can I go to Devon?CAROLYN: Devon?ARTHUR: Yeah. Martin and Douglas are taking a piano to somewhere called what was it? Weasels King Henry? Hedgeh

15、og OBrien!DOUGLAS: Ottery St. Mary.ARTHUR: Yeah, and they said I could come, too. Can I go, mum?CAROLYN: Arthur, you are twenty-nine years old. You dont need my permission to go to Devon!ARTHUR: Is that a yes?CAROLYN: Yes!ARTHUR: You wont be bored all day without me?CAROLYN: Ill struggle through.DOU

16、GLAS: Excellent! All right then, Arthur. You get the keys and addresses; Ill seek out the van.Door closes, and a number is swiftly dialled.HERC: Hello, Herc Shipwright?CAROLYN: Ah, Herc. Its Carolyn Knapp-Shappey here. Are you still free today?HERC: Oh, hello. Uh, yes, I am.CAROLYN: Well, to my grea

17、t disappointment, various better offers have fallen through, and I am in fact reluctantly available for that lunch and dog walk you were nagging me about.MARTIN: Ah yes, this is it the Laurels. (He rings the bell.) Now let me do the talking, all right?DOUGLAS: Of course.ARTHUR: Right-o!THE LADY FROM

18、 THE LAURELS: Hello?DOUGLAS: Good morning, madam! I am Doug; this is Mart and Arth. We are your man with a van or rather men with a ven.MARTIN: Hello, Im sorry, ignore him. Im Martin Crieff. Were from Icarus Removals.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Oh right, youre here for the piano.DOUGLAS: Icarus?MARTI

19、N: Yes, thats right.DOUGLAS: You do know what happened to Icarus?THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Its in here. Wipe your feet.MARTIN: Thank you very much. (Aside to Douglas) Of course I do!Door closes.DOUGLAS: So youve deliberately named your company after the first bad pilot in history?MARTIN: Shut up!TH

20、E LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Here it is.DOUGLAS: Aha! (He tinkles the ivories.) Ah, not bad. Shell be wasted in a pub.ARTHUR: Wow, Douglas, thats amazing! Oh, now do Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines!DOUGLAS: Absolutely not.ARTHUR: Oh, but its my favourite!DOUGLAS: Anyway, I dont know how i

21、t goes.ARTHUR: Yeah, you must do! Up, down, flying around! Looping the loop and defying the ground!DOUGLAS: If anything I now know how it goes even less, but I can do you a little Chopin.MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Douglas. This lady wants us to move it, not show off on it.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Oh,

22、 I dont mind. Isnt he good?DOUGLAS: Youre too kind.MARTIN: We were on quite a tight schedule.DOUGLAS: Yes, seven hours to drive to two hundred miles every second counts!MARTIN: Douglas, please!DOUGLAS: Certainly, Icarus. (He stops playing.) All right, Arthur, snap to it! Arthur provides the brawn to

23、 our little operation, madam. I, you may not be entirely surprised to learn, am the brains.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: He doesnt look very brawny.DOUGLAS: True, but thats nothing compared to how much hes not brainy.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: And whats he for?DOUGLAS: Martin? Ah, Martin here has perha

24、ps the most important thing of all.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Whats that?DOUGLAS: A van.The bell is rung and door is opened.HERC: Hello Carolyn.CAROLYN: Ah, there you are. Youre late.HERC: We didnt set a time.CAROLYN: Youre later than Id imagined youd be.HERC: Then you clearly dont have a very vivid

25、 imagination.Some rather yappy barking begins.CAROLYN: Hello darling. Did you hear the silly late man?HERC: Ah, hello. What a ridiculous dog!CAROLYN: Im sorry?HERC: I said you have a ridiculous dog.CAROLYN: My dog is not ridiculous.HERC: Then whose dog is this? Hello there. What is she?CAROLYN: Shes

26、 a cockapoo.HERC: Oh, a cockapoo. Obviously, Id never have called her ridiculous had I known she was a cockapoo.CAROLYN: It is a cross between a poodle and a HERC: Cockatoo?CAROLYN: A cocker spaniel. And shes not ridiculous she happens to be a noble and faithful hound.HERC: Uhuh, and whats she calle

27、d?CAROLYN: Doesnt matter.HERC: What?CAROLYN: Her name is not important. Right, I thought wed have lunch first, then walk after.HERC: Oh, Id rather walk first, work up an appetite.CAROLYN: Fine. Ill see you when you finally get to the pub then. Ill be the one looking full.DOUGLAS: All right, are we r

28、eady to go?MARTIN: Yes.ARTHUR: Yep.DOUGLAS: Jolly good. Pre-driving to Devon checklist, Captain? Doors?MARTIN: Closed.DOUGLAS: Seatbelts?MARTIN: On.DOUGLAS: Piano?MARTIN: Checked.DOUGLAS: Piano?ARTHUR: Crosschecked!DOUGLAS: Jelly babies?Plastic rustles promisingly.MARTIN: Jelly babies to manual.DOUG

29、LAS: Excellent! Then off we go.MARTIN: I, um, I wouldve helped with the loading, you know, but its only this ankle DOUGLAS: Its quite all right. We managed.MARTIN: Im impressed you got the owner to do so much of the lifting.DOUGLAS: Yes, she had a sort of wiry strength for her age.ARTHUR: I didnt kn

30、ow you could play the piano, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Well, you remember that time when there was that thing you didnt know whether or not I could do and then it turned out that I couldnt?ARTHUR: No.DOUGLAS: No, nor do I.MARTIN: Fnung -DOUGLAS: What?MARTIN: Uh, nothing. Its just uh - you were just a bit clo

31、se to that Volvo.DOUGLAS: Martin!MARTIN: Dont bite my head off, but the vans probably wider than youre used to driving.DOUGLAS: I am used to driving an aeroplane.MARTIN: Not on the A46!ARTHUR: Yellow car.DOUGLAS: What?ARTHUR: Nothing. Just yellow car.MARTIN: Why did you say yellow car?ARTHUR: There

32、was a yellow car.MARTIN: But why did you say yellow car?ARTHUR: Youve got to say yellow car when theres a yellow car.MARTIN: Why?ARTHUR: Thats how you play Yellow Car.MARTIN: Were not playing Yellow Car.ARTHUR: Youre always playing Yellow Car.DOUGLAS: And how, though I fear I can guess, does one pla

33、y Yellow Car?ARTHUR: Right well, imagine youre driving along MARTIN: We are driving along.ARTHUR: Oh yeah, okay, so now you look at the cars as they come along in the other direction, and theyre all different colours. So, uh, for instance, now, uh, that ones white; that ones blue; that ones a sort o

34、f metally grey DOUGLAS: And when you see a yellow car, you say yellow car.ARTHUR: How did you know?DOUGLAS: A wild stab in the dark!MARTIN: And then what?ARTHUR: You start again!DOUGLAS: So how does it end, this game?ARTHUR: It never ends.DOUGLAS: Thats very much what I feared.WAITRESS: Are you ready to order?HERC: Yes, I think so. Ill have the mushroom and aubergine risotto.CAROLYN: Uh!HERC: What do you mean, uh?CAROLYN: Well, youve seen they have proper food here as well.HERC: Nevertheless.WAITRESS: Any starter?