Cabin Pressure - St Petersburg.doc

1、Cabin Pressure St.Petersburg(bing bong)CAROLYN: Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be landing in St Petersburg. We do hope you enjoyed your visit to San Tropez, and to those of you who managed to find a luxury yacht to your liking, we rejoice at your success. And to those of you who remain tragic

2、ally un-be-yachted, our hearts go out to you at this difficult time. Oh and because someone asked me earlier let me assure you that the cabin crew like to think of ourselves as your hosts, and would be insulted to be offered a tip.(bing bong)DOUGLAS: The pilots however, like to think of themselves a

3、s your pilots. Please slide your insults under the flight deck door.-OPENING CREDITS This week, St Petersburg! -(flight deck door opening)DOUGLAS: Exterior checks completed.MARTIN: That was very quick.DOUGLAS: Yes. Well at 6am in St Petersburg in February, one does not tend to dawdle. Its definitely

4、 our plane and the wings are on it, thatll do me. Now, Carolyn, can I have the keys to the drinks cupboard I need some vodka.CAROLYN: Why certainly Douglas, the perfect pre-flight treat for a man who hasnt drunk for a decade. And can I tempt you with a little heroin to follow?DOUGLAS: Seriously Caro

5、lyn, its important.MARTIN: What on earth do you need vodka for?DOUGLAS: Well on the walk round, though brief, I did notice one small problem with the otherwise entirely airworthy plane.MARTIN: Yes?DOUGLAS: It has an Arthur stuck to the side of it.MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Apparently he couldnt open the

6、hold door with his thick gloves on, so he took one off. And now his hand is frozen to the door handle.CAROLYN: Oh stupid boy. (she throws the keys to Douglas) Here.-(howling wind and footsteps)ARTHUR: (breathlessly) Oh hello chaps! Glad you came back! Cold isnt it?CAROLYN: Why vodka Douglas? Cant yo

7、u use hot water?DOUGLAS: If you want to encase his hand in ice, yes. Alcohol has a much lower freezing point, so you can use it as a lubricant.(Douglas pours vodka over Arthurs hand)DOUGLAS: There you go Arthur.ARTHUR: Ohh, thank you Douglas.DOUGLAS: Now put your glove back on and come inside.CAROLY

8、N: Douglas, this is our best Stolichnaya.DOUGLAS: Mmm, doesnt it smell good?ARTHUR: (spoken through a mouthful of keys) Err, Douglas? Small problem. I was trying to put my glove back on so I just-DOUGLAS: Put the keys in your mouth. Of course you did. Carolyn, vodka please.-MARTIN: Post take off che

9、cks complete.DOUGLAS: Thank you Martin. (beep to open intercom) How is Arthur?CAROLYN: (over intercom) Sore lipped and accidentally drunk.ARTHUR: (indistinctly, in background) Should just stop being hurting now!CAROLYN: (over intercom) I can see the next three hours are going to fly by on gilded win

10、gs.DOUGLAS: Have fun. (beep to terminate intercom) Alright then Martin rhyming journeys.MARTIN: Hmm?DOUGLAS: Vienna to Sienna.MARTIN: Oh right. Okay! (long pause) Er .DOUGLAS: Poole to Goole.MARTIN: Good one! Er .DOUGLAS: Aruba to Cuba.MARTIN: Oh give me a chance! Oh, York to New York!DOUGLAS: Yes.

11、Ish. Or, York to Cork.MARTIN: Oh damn, alright. Um, Paris to . (mumbles) Baris, Caris, Daris, Faris . oh oh, how about Peterborough to (fizzly, electric sounds, alarm beeping)MARTIN: Argh!DOUGLAS: Christ! Engine, fire number two engine.MARTIN: Oh God er, engine fire check list number two engine.DOUG

12、LAS: Engine fire check list number two engine Captain. Number two thrust lever?MARTIN: Yes.DOUGLAS: Closed. Number two fuel control switch?MARTIN: Yes, yes!DOUGLAS: Number two fuel control switch to cut off, number two fire handle check?MARTIN: Yes!DOUGLAS: Number two fire handle pull, number one ex

13、tinguisher fired, stopwatch started, fire bell cancel.MARTIN: (over sat comm) Mayday mayday, Golf, Echo, Romeo, Tango, India suspected bird strike, we have one engine on fire. Request immediate return and priority landing St Petersburg.RUSSIAN ATC: Golf Tango India, roger your mayday, continue as cl

14、eared contact Pulkovo approach one two four decimal two.MARTIN: Roger, one two four decimal two.RUSSIAN ATC: Good luck.DOUGLAS: Fire is out Captain. One two four decimal two is selected. Martin, do you want me to land it?MARTIN: No, Ill do it.DOUGLAS: Okay.-(background chattering of an airport loung

15、e)ARTHUR: Here you are Skip nice hot cup of coffee.MARTIN: (sighs and slurps) Oh, its cold.ARTHUR: Nice cup of coffee.MARTIN: Its horrible!ARTHUR: Cup of coffee.MARTIN: Im not even sure it is coffee.ARTHUR: Cup. Howre you feeling?MARTIN: Feeling? Feeling -Im feeling feeling fine, why- why do you ask

16、, Im absolutely fine, fine. How, er, how, howre you, sobered up? Have you?ARTHUR: Yeah, I have actually. It turns out a really good cure for being drunk is when youre on a plane and then an engine explodes and you think youre gonna die.MARTIN: Should write in to the British Medical Journal.ARTHUR: W

17、e didnt die though did we?MARTIN: No. No, no we didnt.ARTHUR: Because you landed us. Brilliantly.MARTIN: Wasnt bad was it?ARTHUR: It was amazing! Mum and me thought Douglas must have done it!MARTIN: Oh thanks a lot.ARTHUR: No but I mean, it was like he did it, but you did it!MARTIN: Oh all right. Th

18、ank you.(Douglas and Carolyn approaching)DOUGLAS: Martin.MARTIN: Hello, whats the news?CAROLYN: Bird strike, as we thought.DOUGLAS: A big one, probably a goose.ARTHUR: Oh no, is it all right?DOUGLAS: What, the goose? Yes Arthur, its fine. Itll have a bit of a headache, but a hell of a story for the

19、goslings.ARTHUR: Phew.CAROLYN: The engine however, is a write off.MARTIN: Yes, I thought it might be when I noticed that it was on fire. How much?CAROLYN: What to replace it? Well, about a quarter of a million pounds.MARTIN: (whistles) Thats a lot.CAROLYN: It is a lot isnt it, I think it definitely

20、qualifies as “a lot.”MARTIN: I- I mean presumably were insured?CAROLYN: Oh yes, up to the hilt, for public and passenger liability, so should the gooses lawyers ever track us down and demand restitution we could pay them off without a second thought. The actual plane though, thats down to me.ARTHUR:

21、 Hey, Douglas said the goose was all right!CAROLYN: Yes well he lied. Neither neither goose nor Gertie are all right. So Im afraid - this is it boys. You know how Im always saying one little thing could be the end of MJN Air, well this is one absolutely massive thing. And its all over.ARTHUR: But ca

22、nt we sell Gertie?CAROLYN: Well I hope so, were going to have to.ARTHUR: Ah, okay. And then just buy another plane with the money.CAROLYN: No Arthur, if were very lucky indeed we might be able to sell Gertie, and with the money buy an ice cream van.ARTHUR: Wooooow.CAROLYN: Not seriously. Oh go and g

23、et us all coffee.ARTHUR: Righto.(Arthur leaves)MARTIN: Im - Im sorry Carolyn.CAROLYN: Well, we had a longer run than anyone expected. And if we had to go at least this is landing on Mayfair with a hotel.DOUGLAS: So what now, can we help?CAROLYN: I dont know. I suppose well have to find a way of sell

24、ing an ancient, decrepit old plane thats just been badly beaten in a fight with a goose. You got any ideas?MARTIN: Dont suppose you could sell it for parts?DOUGLAS: Or theres always-CAROLYN: No.DOUGLAS: Really?CAROLYN: Hes not having it.DOUGLAS: He really wants it.CAROLYN: That is exactly why hes no

25、t having it. I am not giving him the satisfaction.MARTIN: Who?DOUGLAS: Every year Carolyn gets a call from her ex-husband and former owner of Gertie, trying to persuade her to let him buy it back off her.MARTIN: Every year, why does he want it so much?CAROLYN: He is unbearably rich. Used to be his f

26、avourite toy and he hated that I got it in the divorce. Its not that he wants it, he just wants me not to have it.DOUGLAS: Well the thing is Carolyn, at the moment, you also want you not to have it.(Arthur returning)ARTHUR: Coffees? Not have what?CAROLYN: Gertie.ARTHUR: Ah! Are you still worrying ab

27、out that?DOUGLAS: Its its still nagging at the back of our minds Arthur, yes.CAROLYN: Arthur, listen to me Im serious. We are going to have to sell Gertie. Straight away. And we wont be able to buy another plane. So this is the end of MJN Air.ARTHUR: Oh right. Okay!CAROLYN: What do you mean “okay”?!

28、 This really is going to happen, do you understand that?ARTHUR: Yeah, but it wont though, will it?CAROLYN: Why not?ARTHUR: Well Douglas will sort it out.CAROLYN: How?ARTHUR: I dunno! Hell think of something clever. Like he always does.CAROLYN: Yes but this isnt just a little fiddle over a bottle of

29、wine or a bunch of orchids. Its a quarter of a million pounds! I really dont think he will this time.ARTHUR: Yes he will.DOUGLAS: Arthur, I wont! Look, no one has a higher opinion of me than I do, but even I simply do not have the power to conjure up a quarter of a million pounds from nowhere!CAROLY

30、N: So, theres nothing else for it is there?DOUGLAS: I dont think so. Sorry. And Ive had to put her in a heated hangar, so the longer we wait the more expensive it gets.CAROLYN: Fine. Ill call him.MARTIN: Now? Its still five in the morning in Britain.CAROLYN: Ohhhh yes, well thats something.(Carolyn

31、leaves)ARTHUR: Whos she calling?DOUGLAS: Your dad.ARTHUR: (slightly panicky) What? Dad? Why?MARTIN: Well we think hes our best chance of selling Gertie.ARTHUR: No! No, h-he cant have Gertie!DOUGLAS: Why not?ARTHUR: H-he just shouldnt have her! And anyway, then we wouldnt have her.DOUGLAS: Arthur, we

32、 keep telling you we cant afford to fix her.ARTHUR: Yes but I keep telling you, youll do something clever and itll be all right.MARTIN: Whats he like then, Mr Shappey?DOUGLAS: I dont know, Ive never met him either, whats he like Arthur?ARTHUR: Ooh hes er . hes er .hes er .DOUGLAS: Good lord Martin,

33、I think youve broken him.ARTHUR: No, no, no its just that hes er .hes er .DOUGLAS: I think I think what we may be witnessing here is Arthur attempting to describe something with an adjective other than “brilliant.”ARTHUR: Yeah, n-n-no I wouldnt say he was b-b I mean obviously everyones br- no, hes n

34、ot brilliant. Hes er .hes alright.MARTIN: God.DOUGLAS: Yes.MARTIN: He must be awful.(Carolyn returning)CAROLYN: Ive spoken to him, hes coming straight here.MARTIN: What, now?CAROLYN: Yes, hes flying himself over in his private jet, hell be here in about three hours.MARTIN: God, at least hes keen.CAR

35、OLYN: Oh yes hes keen.ARTHUR: Dads coming here? Now?CAROLYN: Yes.ARTHUR: (flustered) Oh, okay right okay what shall I do? Shall I get him a present? What does he like? Ill get him a present, ah, Ill get something from duty free!CAROLYN: You dont need to get him a present Arthur-ARTHUR: No, no, cours

36、e not, stupid, stupid although, I might anyway, er, just to be sure. A TOBLERONE! I can get him a Toblerone! Brilliant, problem solved, dont panic, well be fine, its all right, okay Ill go and get one now!MARTIN: But he wont be here for three hours.ARTHUR: Ah yeah, but still though er, good to have

37、it all ready, er, in advance, okay bye!(Arthur leaves)DOUGLAS: Good lord.MARTIN: Ive never seen him like that.CAROLYN: Thats his dad for you. All right, you two scram as well, get some lunch on the company card.MARTIN: Really?CAROLYN: Well you did land a plane on one engine, that deserves a treat.DO

38、UGLAS: Excellent, well I think I saw a sushi place-CAROLYN: No, I meant at the crew canteen, you can have sushi when you land it on no engines.-(clinking of cutlery)MARTIN: Oh! Ive got a good one.DOUGLAS: Oh yes?MARTIN: Yep. Lublin to Dublin.DOUGLAS: Oooh. Close. Im afraid its pronounced “Loob-lin.”MARTIN: Oh for goodness sake. Loob-lin to Doob-lin?DOUGLAS: You can have it if you like.MARTIN: No.DOUGLAS: Lisbon to Brisbane?MARTIN: Yes very good. Er . okay, Kent to now youll have to trust me but Im pretty sure theres a place near where we used to camp in Wales called (chokey, Welsh sound)-ent.