1、Cabin Pressure QikiqtarjuaqCAROLYN: Good morning, gentlemen! How are we today? Satiated with the delights of New York, all ready to go home?DOUGLAS: YesMARTIN: Mmm, absolutely.CAROLYN: Then home we shall go. Almost straight away, pausing only for an extremely minor detour.DOUGLAS: Oh, no.MARTIN: Car
2、olyn, I cant!CAROLYN: To Toronto!DOUGLAS: Oh, well, that is quite close.CAROLYN: And then a quick stop to Qikiqtarjuaq and straight home!DOUGLAS: Oh, Sorry, where?CAROLYN: Qikiqtarjuaq! Q-I-K-ARTHUR: Mum! Sorry, but you forgot the U.CAROLYN: No, I did not. There isnt a U. Its Q-I-K-I-ARTHUR: No, Mum
3、, theres always a U after a Q. Its the law. Mrs. Dimand taught me that. Eventually.CAROLYN: And you are a credit to her. Nonetheless the good people of Qikiqtarjuaq choose to spell it Q-I-K-I-Q-T-MARTIN: Another Q?CAROLYN: Yes. Q-T-ARTHUR: Q-T? Well, Im not going to be the one to tell Mrs. Dimand!DO
4、UGLAS: Leaving the spelling bee aside for a moment, where is this kicky tarry jack?CAROLYN: Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq?DOUGLAS: Youre really proud of yourself for having learnt to say that, arent you?CAROLYN: Yes. Also, its rather pleasing to say Qikiqtarjuaq. Anyway, its in Canada. MARTIN: N
5、ear Toronto?CAROLYN: Nearish.MARTIN: How nearish?CAROLYN: About, ooh . . . seventeen hundred miles.MARTIN: No, Carolyn, Im sorry, I absolutely cant, Ive got a job on Thursday.CAROLYN: No you havent.MARTIN: I do! Not with MJN, I mean a delivery job, with my van. CAROLYN: Oh, well, that doesnt matter.
6、MARTIN: It matters to me, Carolyn! It happens to be the only thing Im actually paid to do!DOUGLAS: Right. Ive looked it up on my phone. Its a tiny, isolated settlement in the Arctic Circle! Why on earth are we going there?CAROLYN: Because that is where the polar bears are.DOUGLAS: And where do the p
7、olar bears want to go?CAROLYN: The polar bears dont want to go anywhere. The polar bears just want to be left in peace and quiet. But that is where the polar bears find themselves bang out of luck. Because we are picking up a dozen tourists from Unbeaten Track Travel and flying them past every polar
8、 bear we can find between Toronto and Qikiqtarjuaq!ARTHUR: What? Are we?!? Polar bears?!? Were going to fly over polar bears?! And see them and look at them and be with the polar bears?CAROLYN: Yes, we are.MARTIN: No, were not. ARTHUR: YES WE ARE, SKIP!MARTIN: No were not! For one thing, Gerties muc
9、h too fast a plane; you need a prop-engine aircraft to watch wildlife, not a jet!CAROLYN: Well, why cant we just fly slower?ARTHUR: Yeah, we could just fly slower!MARTIN: No we cant.DOUGLAS: Of course we can! We could come down to 100, 120 easily, as long as we watch the angle of bank.ARTHUR: Yeah,
10、Martin! We just need to watch the angle of . . . bank, and the polar bears! We need to watch the polar bears!MARTIN: No, we cant! Shell be hard to manoeuvre, and likely to stall. It would be incredibly dangerous and unprofessional.DOUGLAS: Fun, though when do we leave?CAROLYN: Straight away.MARTIN:
11、No!DOUGLAS: Good!ARTHUR: Brilliant!CAROLYN: Oh, um, if youre online, Douglas, look up polar bears or exploring or something.DOUGLAS: Why?CAROLYN: Because one of you will have to give a lecture on it. Unbeaten Tracks thing is that the crew are all experts on the region and they give lectures.ARTHUR:
12、Can I give a lecture on polar bears?CAROLYN: No.DOUGLAS: What do you know about polar bears, Arthur?ARTHUR: Polar bears are brilliant. DOUGLAS: You might want to pad that out with some Power Points. DOUGLAS: Alright, Alfred Hitchcock.MARTIN: Ooh, okay. Lets hear it.bing-bongDOUGLAS: Hello, my name i
13、s First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself, a warm welcome aboard this MJN flight to Qikiqtarjuaq. Just to let you know, we will be flying out from Toronto today, roughly “North by Northwest,“ at the “Vertigo“-inducing height of twenty thousand feet, way above “The Birds
14、.“ You will already have met your purser today, Carolyn “Rebecca“ “Topaz,“ but now, as “The Lady Vanishes“ behind the “Torn Curtain“ into the galley, the steward will hold you “Spellbound“ with his “Notorious“ demonstration of “The Thirty-Nine Steps“ to a safe evacuation, though these basically boil
15、 down to three: pull the “Rope,“ inflate the “Lifeboat,“ and escape through the “Rear Window.“ MARTIN: Ten?DOUGLAS: Thirteen, I think. I very nearly got “The Man Who Knew Too Much“ in, but I was after all talking about Arthur.door opensNANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Excuse me! MARTIN: Oh, uh, hello. I-I-Im th
16、e captain, Martin Crieff, and this is NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart.DOUGLAS: Not quite, but what an interesting guess.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Expedition supervisor, Unbeaten Track Travel. What was that, please?MARTIN: What was what?NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: The Hitchcock thing.DOUGLAS: Oh, you no
17、ticed that! Well done.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: “In an emergency, climb out through the rear window“? Does that strike you as a professional thing for the pilot of an aircraft to say?MARTIN: No, no, absolutely not.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: “No, absolutely not“ is right, so what the hell just happened?DOUGLAS:
18、 I can assure you, madam, I am entirely professional in all NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: No youre not. I can tell professionalism a mile off. You dont have it, sir. This guy has it. You dont.MARTIN: Oh, well. Do I? I mean, yes, yes, I do, actually. Thank you, thank you for noticing. NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So,
19、 why did you let him do it?DOUGLAS: Yes, why did you let me do it?MARTIN: Yes, I-I do apologize. Rest assured I will be disciplining him.DOUGLAS: Oh, will you?MARTIN: Yes I will, and the rest of the flight will be conducted in an entirely professional atmosphere of the utmost . . . professionality t
20、hat I always bring to my, my, my DOUGLAS: Profession?MARTIN: Workplace. door opensCAROLYN: Hello! Everything alright in here?NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Ah, are you Carolyn Shappey-Nappy?CAROLYN: More or less. Hello, pleased to meet you.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart, expedition supervisor. I was
21、 expecting you to meet me and the travellers at the gate.CAROLYN: Oh, yes, sorry, I was unavoidably detained in the airport, helping the steward find a book about polar bears.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So in your absence, I had to conduct them aboard a strange aircraft in every sense get them seated, and
22、then listen to your first officer squeezing Hitchcock films into the cabin address!CAROLYN: Oh, how many did you get?DOUGLAS: Thirteen.CAROLYN: Well done!NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I would like a word with you in the galley, madam.CAROLYN: With great pleasure.DOUGLAS: Oh, before you go, how long do you wa
23、nt this Arctic lecture? Ive worked up about twenty minutes worth will that do?NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: That wont be necessary, thank you.DOUGLAS: Oh, but I thought at Unbeaten Track you always NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: At Unbeaten Track we do, because our crews are staffed by professional experts and adventu
24、rers with genuine stories to tell. What I feel I would get from you, sir, is some zany British humour, and Ive already had about as much of that as I can take.door opensDOUGLAS: Well, she was a little ray of sunshine, wasnt she?MARTIN: I thought she was quite right. DOUGLAS: Did you?MARTIN: Yes. Im
25、. . . sorry to say this, Douglas, but sometimes you are unprofessional.DOUGLAS: Shall we drop the subject?MARTIN: No, Douglas, this is difficult f um, because I think weve become friends, and, um, and Im glad about that, but I-I do also think I have a duty to you a-as your captain DOUGLAS: Think ver
26、y, very carefully about how you want to finish this sentence.MARTIN: - as your captain to let you know when youre getting into bad habits. And it was unprofessional to do the film game on real, live passengers.DOUGLAS: You said, “Lets hear it.“MARTIN: And whats worse is that you were seriously consi
27、dering low-altitude, low-speed manoeuvres in the Arctic! Which would be very unsafe for us!DOUGLAS: Itll be perfectly safe, so long as Im the one doing it.MARTIN: Yeah, there, you see, no, you think youre this invincible pilot, but things go wrong for everyone! And-and if youre not professional in y
28、our assessment DOUGLAS: And youre the perfect professional, are you?MARTIN: No, Im not perfect, but I am professional, I analyze risk, I make sure Im in a position to deal with whatever is thrown at me.DOUGLAS: Of course you know what the actual definition of a professional is, dont you?MARTIN: Im j
29、ust DOUGLAS: What actually separates professionals from amateurs.MARTIN: I w DOUGLAS: Its being paid to do the job. The way Carolyn pays me and doesnt pay you. MARTIN: quietly Pre-takeoff checklist, please?DOUGLAS: Certainly, Captain. NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So you understand the issue I have around th
30、is?CAROLYN: Oh, absolutely, and I do apologize for not being there to meet you, but I assure you that, though small, MJN Air adheres to the highest standards of professionalism. ARTHUR: Mum.CAROLYN: Not now, Im busy.ARTHUR: No, but theres a serious problem.CAROLYN: What, really?ARTHUR: Yes, look. Th
31、is book only has a polar bear on the cover - its actually about all kinds of bears.CAROLYN: Well, I rather set myself up for that, didnt I?NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: It wouldnt have mattered anyway; Ive seen your website.ARTHUR: Oh, have you? Brilliant! You see, Mum, I told you people would go!NANCY DEAN
32、LIEBHART: Ohhh, you did that, did you?ARTHUR: Thank you!NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Are you a professional web designer?ARTHUR: No, not even a bit! But theres this website that makes it really simple, even if youre completely clueless, you can make it play music, and the words flash, and, you know, put in
33、things like a line of dancing aeroplanes you know, make it look, make it look really professional.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Okaaay, Ms. Knapp-Shappey, Im going to ask you and your crew from now on at all times to refer to this flight as being an Unbeaten Track flight, not an MJN one.CAROLYN: Why? It is a
34、n MJN flight.NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Yes, but my concern is that travellers may Google you on their return and discover, no offense, what sort of outfit you are.CAROLYN: When you say “no offense,“ do you in fact know what that means?MARTIN: quietly Could you balance the fuel, Douglas?clickMARTIN: Have
35、you done it?DOUGLAS: You saw me do it.MARTIN: It is protocol to tell me when youve done it.DOUGLAS: Ive done it.CAROLYN: Right. If that bloody woman thinks she can tell me how to act in my own what is the matter with you two, then?MARTIN: Nothing.DOUGLAS: Nothing.CAROLYN: Well, obviously something.
36、Ooh, hang on, Ive just realized I dont care. Douglas, I have decided that on this flight, I require some mildly but not life-threatening unprofessional amusement with which to wile away the time.MARTIN: Carolyn, no!DOUGLAS: What a good idea!MARTIN: Carolyn, I specifically gave Nancy my word that DOU
37、GLAS: Theres always the Travelling Lemon, for instance?CAROLYN: Oh, of course the very thing!MARTIN: What, whats that? DOUGLAS: Not come across the Travelling Lemon, Martin, in all your professional experience? Well, player one strolls through a full passenger cabin, chatting to the adoring public o
38、f this or that topic of interest, and as he goes, he casually secretes somewhere where it can still be clearly seen, a lemon or other citrus fruit, as mutually agreed by the players and referees before match play commences, but Im a traditionalist and favour a lemon.CAROLYN: And then, player two goe
39、s out, finds it, retrieves it, hides it again. Now whats our record, Douglas?DOUGLAS: I believe on that night flight to Miami, we achieved a rally of sixteen.CAROLYN: Well, Im sure we can top that.DOUGLAS: Doubtless. Shall I go first?CAROLYN: Oh, by all means.MARTIN: No!DOUGLAS: Back soon.door opens
40、MARTIN: pause Carolyn, Im glad Ive got you alone.CAROLYN: Oh, dear.MARTIN: I want a pay rise.CAROLYN: Martin, this is not the time or the place.MARTIN: Yes it is. I do a difficult and demanding job, and I want a pay rise.CAROLYN: Fine consider your salary doubled.MARTIN: Very funny. CAROLYN: Do do y
41、ou see, because twice nothing is nothing.MARTIN: Yes, I get it.CAROLYN: I could have said triple, because three times nothing is also nothing, and so MARTIN: I really do understand!CAROLYN: Do you? Good, because all this hilarious japery is a nice way of saying, “No, absolutely not.“MARTIN: Thats th
42、e nice way, is it?CAROLYN: Ooh-hoo-hoo, you should hear the nasty way!door opensDOUGLAS: Carolyn, the lemon is in play.CAROLYN: Super.MARTIN: Carolyn, please, dont let Nancy see you do this!CAROLYN: What do you care what she sees?MARTIN: Just . . . dont.ARTHUR: And this ones a koala bear. Uh, thats not actually a bear, in fact. This ones a panda bear - thats not actually a bear. Honestly, its like nothings actually a bear!
