1、Season 1, Episode 01: Pilot - MARY ALICE: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this mornings paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, theres never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed as nor
2、mal at first. I made my breakfast for my family. I performed my chores. I completed my projects. I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spend every other day quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. Thats why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to m
3、y hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used. - MARY ALICE: My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initi
4、al hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.-MRS HUBER: Its my neighbor. I think shes been shot, theres blood everywhere. Yes, youve got to send an ambulance. Youve got to send one right now! -MARY ALICE: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless i
5、n her kitchen grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy.But, only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. I was laid to rest on a Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as peop
6、le do in this situation, they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. Of course, she didnt cook much as she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didnt have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom
7、 had an idea. Why not quit your job? Kids do much better with stay-at-home mums; it was so much less stressful. But this was not the case. In fact, Lynettes life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if
8、she stopped to think about it, but she couldnt. She didnt have the time. -LYNETTE: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it. -PRESTON: But Mom! -LYNETTE: No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how se
9、rious I am. -PRESTON: Whats that?-LYNETTE: Santas cell-phone number. -PORTER: Howd you get that? -LYNETTE: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. You willing to risk that? -SCAVO kids
10、: Uh-uh! (all shake their heads vehemently) -LYNETTE: Okay. Lets get this over with. -MARY ALICE: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella. Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acqu
11、isitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler. -CARLOS: If you talk t
12、o Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. -GABRIELLE: Why dont I just pin the receipt to my chest? -CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wifes new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation. -GABRIELLE: Theres no way I can just
13、work that in, Carlos. -CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield. -GABRIELLE: Im telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation. -CARLOS: Hey, people are starting to stare. Can yo
14、u keep your voice down please? -GABRIELLE: (sigh) Absolutely. Wouldnt want them to think were not happy. -MARY ALICE: Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking. And for making her own clothes. And for doing her own garden
15、ing. And for reupholstering her own furniture. Yes, Brees many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family. -BREE: Paul, Zachary. Paul， Zachary。 -ZACH: Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp. -
16、PAUL: Bree, you shouldnt have gone to all this trouble. -BREE: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests. But the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary. Its got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things. -PAUL: Thank you. -BREE: W
17、ell, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know youre out of your minds with grief. -PAUL: Yes, we are. -BREE: Of course, I will need the baskets back once youre done. (smiling serenely) -PAUL: Of course. -MARY ALICE: Susan Meyer, who lives
18、 across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their new house. It was too watery the night she found lipstick o
19、n Carls shirt. She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. A year had passed since the divorce. Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking. -JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? -SUS
20、AN: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think its the only way they can solve their problems. -JULIE: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. -SUSAN: Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and theyre totally different on the inside. -JULIE: Oh you mean how Dads girlfriend is
21、always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know shes a bitch. -SUSAN: I dont like that word, Julie. But yeah, thats a great example. -JULIE: Hey, whats going on? -SUSAN: Sorry Im late. -GABRIELLE: Hi ,Susan! -LYNETTE: Hey. -MARY ALICE: So? What did Carl say when you confronted him? -
22、SUSAN: Youll love this, he said it doesnt mean anything, it was just sex. -BREE: Oh yes, page one of the philanderers handbook. -SUSAN: Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation. -LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched him. -S
23、USAN: No, I said, really? And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment? -GABRIELLE: Hmm. -MARY ALICE: Good for you. -SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. -GABRIELLE: Its like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesnt ha
24、ve a conscience. -LYNETTE: Even the limp ones arent that ethical -BREE: This is half the reason I joined the NRA. Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson. -MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Toms a
25、lways away on business. Do you ever worry he might.? -LYNETTE: Oh, please, the mans gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. -BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman? -SUSAN: I dont know. Im sorry you guys, I just. I just dont know how I
26、m going to survive this. -MARY ALICE: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face them head on, thats how we find out just how strong we really are. -BREE: Susan? Susan. I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go through Mary Alices closet, and h
27、elp pack up her things. He says he cant face doing it by himself. -SUSAN: Sure, thats fine. -BREE: Are you OK? -SUSAN: Yeah. Im just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us; she should have let us help her. -GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could she have had? She was
28、 healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was - -LYNETTE: our life. -GABRIELLE: No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, wed have known. She lives 50 feet away, for gods sakes. -SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something mustve been going on. -SUSAN: Oh, I wouldnt eat that
29、if I were you. -MIKE: Why? -SUSAN: I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish? -MIKE: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. Oh my god.How did you it tastes like its burnt and undercooked. -SUSAN: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. -MIKE: Thanks. I
30、m Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sims house next door. -SUSAN: Susan Meyer, I live across the street. -MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate childrens books -SUSAN: Yeah Im very big with the under 5 set. What do you do? -MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or s
31、omething. -SUSAN: Now that everybodys seen that Ive brought something, I should probably just throw this out. -LYNETTE: Ow! Ease up, you little vampire. -MRS. HUBER: Lynette! Ive been looking all over for you. -LYNETTE: Oh. -MRS. HUBER: Are you aware of what your sons are doing? -SCAVO kids: Stop. A
32、rrrggggh. Hah! -LYNETTE: What are you doing!? We are at a wake! -PRESTON: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool. -LYNETTE: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on? -PORTER: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left. -LYNETTE: You three planned thi
33、s? Alright, thats it. Get out! -PORTER: No! -LYNETTE: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on. -PRESTON: We wanna swim and you cant stop us. -LYNETTE: Here. -LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here. Get over here. Get back or Ill kill y
34、ou. -LYNETTE: Thats right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out. -LYNETTE: Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Go! -MARY ALICE: Lynette shouldnt have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface. The m
35、orning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. Some did their cooking. And some did their cleaning. And some did their yoga. Others did their homework. -JULIE: Hi. -JULIE: Im Julie, I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. -MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, lets
36、go round and get it. Stay. -JULIE: His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories. Hes renting for tax purposes, but hes hoping to buy a place real soon. -SUSAN: I cant believe you went over there. -JULIE: Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. Youre obviously
37、into each other. Now that you know hes single, you can ask him out. -SUSAN: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. Its just, I dont know if Im ready to start dating yet. -JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since youve had sex? Are you mad that I asked you that? -SUSA
38、N: No, Im just trying to remember. I dont wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out. -JULIE: I wouldnt have said anything, its just -SUSAN: What? -JULIE: I heard Dads girlfriend asking if youd dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed
39、. -MIKE: Hey, Susan. -SUSAN: Hi Mike. I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably shouldve brought something by earlier, but. -MIKE: Actually, youre the first in the neighborhood to stop by. -SUSAN: Really? -MARY ALICE : Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria
40、 Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels quickly. -EDIE: Hello there! -MARY ALICE: Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her conquests were numerousvariedand legendary. -EDIE: Hi Susan, I hope Im not interrupting. You must be Mike D
41、elfino. Hi, Im Edie. Britt. I live over there. Welcome to Wisteria Lane. - MARY ALICE: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut. -MIKE: Thank you, whats this? -EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca. Its just something I threw together. -MIKE: Thanks, Edie. Thats great. Uh, Id invite you both in, but I was sor
42、ta in the middle of something. -SUSAN: Oh, Im late for an appointment anyway. -EDIE: Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi -MIKE: Well, thanks. -MARY ALICE : And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly. -EDIE:
43、 Oh, Mike. I heard youre a plumber? -MIKE: Yeah. -EDIE: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes? -MARY ALICE: But she was reminded that when it came to men? Women dont fight fair. -MIKE: Sure. -EDIE: Thanks. Bye Susan. -GABRIELLE: You cant order me around like Im a c
44、hild! -CARLOS: Gabrielle. GabrieIIe -GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no, Im not going. -CARLOS: Its business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. -GABRIELLE: Every time Im around that man, he tries to grab my ass. -CARLOS: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab
45、your ass, you let him. -CARLOS: John! -JOHN: Ow. Mr. Solis. You scared me. -CARLOS: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week. -JOHN: I didnt have time last week -CARLOS: I dont wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it. -GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me. -CA
46、RLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you couldnt live without. But Im learning to deal with it. So. Can I tell Tanaka well be there tomorrow night? -GABRIELLE: John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen. -JOHN: Thanks, Mrs. Solis. -GABRIELLE: Fine. Ill go.
47、But Im keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time. -CARLOS: See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise. -GABRIELLE: Is your finger ok? -JOHN: Yeah, yeah, its just a small cut. -GABRIELLE: Let me see. Mmmm. -JOHN: You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook
48、up. But, um, you know I gotta get my work done, I cant afford to lose this job. -GABRIELLE: This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost it $23,000. -JOHN: You wanna do it on the table this time? -GABRIELLE: Absolutely. -DANIELLE: Why cant we ever have normal soup? -BREE: Da
49、nielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. -DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean -BREE: First of all, your father cant eat onions, hes deadly allergic. And I wont even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. Hows the osso bucco?
