1、学学美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南奥布莱恩的口才吧。以下是他在 2011 年达特茅斯学院毕业致辞。睿智与幽默，这是我喜欢他节目的原因。邱政政以下是演讲全文（中文配合视频字幕观看）：http:/ Ive been living in Los Angeles for two years, and Ive never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. Im serious. I have the cash.Before I begin, I must point out
2、that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.Graduates, faculty, parents, relat
3、ives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. Thats right, with your college diploma
4、you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. Im talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next r
5、oom.My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma youll be receiving this weekend.That was great.And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Dea
6、l with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by Preside
7、nt Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, hes Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, “Stinky Pete.“ He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organ
8、ization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazines 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get it. Youre smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-c
9、lass anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. L
10、ate last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my
11、 car.You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, Im in the state thats next to the state where Ben and Jerrys ice cream is made.“But dont get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call t
12、wo months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put
13、it best when they said “Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.“ Thank you and good luck.To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I
14、left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.Yes, Ive done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizo
15、n School of Beauty. Your school motto is “Vox clamantis in deserto,“ which means “Voice crying out in the wilderness.“ This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub“ and “Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.“ Y
16、our school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is trueI looked it up“it was the only color that had not been taken already.“ I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduat
17、ed more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Greys Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduat
18、e is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what youre going to say, Dartmouth, youre going to say, well “Weve got Dr. Seuss.“ Well guess what, were all tired of hearing about
19、Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, thats called cheating.Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you dont even think you deserve a real podium. Im sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova S
20、cotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse play
21、ing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornellwell, frankly, who gives a shit.Yes, Ive always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time co
22、ming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormit
23、ories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to retur
24、n.But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have
25、 spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now Id be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldnt know the second verse to “Dear Ol
26、d Dartmouth.“ Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, Id have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today Id be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great school, a
27、nd you deserve a historic commencement address. Thats right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain“ speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nucle
28、ar disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it “The Conan Doctrine.“ Under “The Conan Doctrine“:- All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to masters degrees. All masters degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA stu
29、dents will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.- Under “The Conan Doctrine,“ Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.- Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick
30、-ass like “The Jade Blade,“ the “Seafoam Avenger,“ or simply “Lime-Zilla.“- The D-Plan and “quarter system“ will finally be updated to “the one sixty-fourth system.“ Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their So
31、phomore 4th of July.- Under “The Conan Doctrine,“ I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Desks
32、tock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Dont let those bastards do it.And finally, under “The Conan Doctrine,“ all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologizeto the greatest graduating class
33、in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.“ Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichs. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that
34、 you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.- First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.- Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.- Heres another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles f
35、or too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.- And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your lif
36、e.Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:- Many of your children you havent seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isnt working.- If yo
37、ur child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.- The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you shou
38、ld slip out in the middle of the Ks.And, I have to tell you this:- You will spend more money framing your childs diploma than they will earn in the next six months. Its tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.Yes, you parents must be
39、 patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons its so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leaveand say it on televisionI mean you can go on YouT
40、ube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they wont come back. Of course Im speaking generally.But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.Eleven years ago I
41、 gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now Im here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and Id like to share it with you. In
42、2000, I told graduates “Dont be afraid to fail.“ Well now Im here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.“ But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappoin
43、tment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is “Whatever doesnt kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.“Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League c
44、ollege are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid to not only of
45、f the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I star
46、ted trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and f
47、amily. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneo
48、us and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still dont understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challengedand this is important
49、had more conviction about what I was doing.How could this be true? Well, its simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clu
