1、1、Good use of cry 哭的妙用The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film. When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,“youll have to go out if your son cries. But well refund you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband asked his wife, “What do you think of the fi
2、lm?”“Ive never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.“Its not worth seeing.”“I dont think much of it, either.” The husband said. “Wake the child up and let him cry.”一对夫妇带着他们 3 岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时，服务员对他们说：“如果你们的儿子哭了，你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退票的。 ”大约半个小时以后，丈夫对妻子说：“你觉得这电影怎么样？” “我从没看过这么没劲的电影。 ”妻子回答说， “真不值得看。 ”“我
3、也不喜欢看。 ”丈夫说：“叫醒孩子，让他哭。 ”2、What a Smart Wife 家有笨妻A newly married woman was sitting on a chair, looking vexed, when her husband came home. “Whats up? Why do you look so troubled?“ the husband asked. The woman replied, “Im so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and burned a hole in your trousers.“ And t
4、he man said, “Thats all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same.“ “Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,“the wife responded.有一个刚结婚的太太，坐在椅子那边，看起来很懊恼，她先生回家看到她这个样子，就问：嗨，你怎么啦？为什么看起来这么懊恼呢？太太说：很抱歉，你那件新做的西装裤被我烫坏了，烫成一个洞了。 他先生说：啊！那个没关系啦！我还有另外一件一样的裤子。 她说：是啊，还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。 3、Endearin
5、g terms英语幽默故事:可爱的称呼Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have be
6、en married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names.“ Morris hung his head and whispered,“ To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.“Bernie 应邀来到他的朋友 Morris 家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie 发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris 总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie 对 Morris 说， “你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。
7、 ”Morris 低下头，小声地对 Bernie 说， “老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。 ”4、Are you a normal person？你是正常人吗？ During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ., “What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?“ “Well.“ said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspo
8、on, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.“ “Oh, I understand,“ said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.“ “Noooooooo!“ answered the director. “A normal person would pull the plug.“ 参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长， “
9、你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢？” “呃 ”院长说， “是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个调茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。 ” “噢，我明白了” ， 参观者说。 “一个正常人会选择水桶， 因为水桶比茶匙，茶杯的体积大。 ” “错了” ， “院长回答” “正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉” 。 5、英文幽默老虎来了Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.One of t
10、he guys takes out a pair of “Nikes“ from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, “Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?“His friend replies: “I dont have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.“两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来
11、。其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说， “你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗？”他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。 ”6、Another 40 Years to live再活 40 年 A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said
12、, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.“ Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, s
13、he might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 Years? “God replied, “I didnt recognize you.“一名中年
14、妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院， 在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝， 于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说， “还没有，你还能活 43 年，2 个月零 8 天。 ” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了， 但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝， “我记得你说我还能再活 40 年？” 上帝回答， “那个时
15、候我没认出你来” 。一、 Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, “Mom, I had a dream last night that Id passed todays exam.“Dont trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite.“ Mother replied.“Then I do hope Ill fail the other subjects in my dream t
16、onight,“ Tom said. 在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。 ”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。 ”妈妈答道。 “那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。 ”汤姆说。二、 “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. “Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught
17、breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?“ At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, “Umm.How much for a season pass?“女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。“ 不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款 20 美元。再犯要被罚款 60 美元。第 3 次被抓需要交 180美元的罚款
18、。还有什么疑问么？“这时人群中一个男同学问道， “那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？“三、 Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed?” Student：“I know，I know.At the bottom of the page.”独立宣言是在哪儿签字的？老师：“谁知道 独立宣言在哪儿签字的？”学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。 ”四、 “A father of five came home
19、 with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集
20、来问这件礼物应该给谁。 “谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。 ”“五、 “Wedding night, husband deep feeling of say to the wife:“Dear of, I love you, I swear hereafter cant certainly do a sorry your business, if I do, certainly encountering for a day, the thunderclap splits, dont die a natural
21、 death!“Newly married but soon, the husband made a sorry cuckoldry matter. On the first, the husband goes out by boat, being the ship drove up to ocean middle, suddenly strong breeze your work, seeing the ship will sink right away, at this time, the husband towards the sky to scold a way loudly“old
22、day, whether you becomes blind or not, I do a sorry cuckoldry matter, you let I a person die like, why harm“ “so many innocent peoples to also want to die.“At this time, hears spread a deep and low“ voice in out of t “he sky:“You think I am all dry“ “all day long what, I“ “am very not easy to wait u
23、ntil today just chase your se people concentrated together!“新婚之夜，丈夫深情的对妻子说：“亲爱的，我爱你，我发誓以后一定不会做出对不起你的事，要是我做了，定遭天打雷劈，不得好死！”可是新婚不久，丈夫就作出了对不起妻子的事。 一日，丈夫乘船外出，当船驶到大海中间“ 时 ，突 然狂 风 大作，眼看船 马上就 要沉 没了 ，这时， 丈 夫大 声对着天空 骂道“ 老天 ，你是不是瞎了眼了，我做了对不起妻子的事，你让我一个人去死就好了 ，为什么害 这么多无辜的人也要死啊。 ” 这时，只听见半空中传来一声低沉的声音：“你以为我整天都干什么啊，我
24、好不容易等到今天才把你们这些人集中在一起来的！”六、 “One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?“ After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. “Well, good morning. So, you a
25、ctually think youre a moron?“ the professor asked. The kid replied, “No sir, I just didnt want to see you standing there all by yourself.“一天，一位大学心理学教授向他的新生们问候。他站在学生们的面前说：“如果哪位同学认为自己傻，就请站起来。 ” 大约过了一分钟，一位年轻人站了起来。教授说：“嗨，你好。你真的认为自己是个低能儿么？” 这个孩子回答道：“不是的，先生，我只是不忍心看着只有你自己站在这里。 ”“七、 “wipe glass Father enter
26、ed the sons room, praise, way: well done, son! The window and clean and bright, you are using soap water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehammer.父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？ 儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。“八、 “顺便说一个：你可以对你的 MM 说我要测测你的英语反应能力，伸出左手，对她说：“我点拇指是 A，食指是 C，中指是 M，无名指是 S,小指是 X”，然后说，为了增加难度，我会
27、用中文干扰你。然后，你指中指说鱼，她会说 m，你指无名指说驴，她会说 S，然后在指拇指说猪，她会说 A,然后一直点拇指说猪，她会一直说：A,A,A,A,A,A, 如果 MM 聪明，可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。“九、 问：26 个字母去掉 e 和 t 还剩几个字母？ 答：24 个呀 问：错！ 答：为什么呀？ 问：21 个，因为 ET 是坐 UFO 走的十、 “I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrow
28、ing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us atthe time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.To my surprise .she wa
29、s awake when I got back, but she didnt mention the clothes. We chatted about Jasons introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，“And how did Jasons teacher like my pajamas?“在陪儿“ 子上幼儿园的第一天，我想打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我 们住在一起。我们有 约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿 别人的东西。但那时她仍 在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿
30、走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没说衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”十一、 Boy: “Id like to call you. Whats your number?“ girl: “Its in the phone book.“ Boy: “But I dont know your name.“ girl: “Thats in the phone book too.“ 男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。男：可是
31、我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。十二、 One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice， “Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ?”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug. “I can t，d
32、ear.” She said.“I have to sleep in Daddys room.”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4).”一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯，孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗?”母亲笑着，拥抱一下小孩安慰说， “亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。 ”一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。 ”十三、 Two twins went to the kindergarten.“Whos the elde
33、r and whos the younger one?” asked a nurse. One of them winked and said， “Elder brother，dont tell her.”两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。 “你们两个谁大谁小?”保育员问。其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说， “哥哥，不要告诉她。”十四、 Doctor：I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient：then send the bill to my father，please.医生：对你的抱怨我无能为力。 。病人：那请你把账单给我父亲吧。十
34、五、 “Miles sometime went to the barbers during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barbers one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just besi
35、de him.“Hello, Miles,“ the manager said. “I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.“Yes, sir, I am,“ admitted Miles calmly. “You see, sir, it grows in office time.“Not all of it,“ said the manager at once. “Some of it grows in your own time.“Yes, sir, thats quite true.“ Answered Miles
36、politely, “but Im not having it all cut off.“麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。 “你好，麦尔斯， ”经理说。 “我看到你在上班时间理发了。 ”“是的，先生。正是这样。 ”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。 “不全都是吧， ”经理立刻说， “有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。 ”“对呀，先生，你说得很对。 ”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说， “但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。 ”“十六、 “Palmist: The life line
37、in your hand tells that you will die in a year. Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but I cant say in which.手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。顾客：天哪，一年后？手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。“十七、 “If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died. 如果你不答应嫁给我，他发誓，我就要去死。六十年
38、后，他死了。“十八、 “Policeman: Why didnt you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, theyd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。“十九、 “I Have His Ear in My PocketI Have His Ear in My PocketIvan cam
39、e home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “What happened?“A kid bit me,“ replied Ivan.“Would you recognize him if you saw him again?“ asked his mother.“Id know him any where,“ said Ivan. “I have his ear in my pocket.“他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口， ”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里
40、我都能认出他， ”伊凡说。 “他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。 ”“二十、 “Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,“School-Go slow“.老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着学校-慢行。“二十一、 有个人刚学了点英语，就喜欢卖弄两下。有一天他去商店想买一支钢笔，对营业员说：“给我一个 pen” 营业员拿了个盆给他， 他说：“no”营业员说：“漏？哪有漏？新进的货”二十二、 有次房东问我
41、did u eat anyting yet? 我说 no.(没吃) 她听后重复了一遍 so u didnt eat anyting. 我说 yes.(吃了) 房东老太太犹豫了下，又问 did u eat ?我说 no.(没吃) 她接着说 so u didnt eat .我说 yes .(吃了) 估计她当时要崩溃了二十三、 “It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York Citys Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman
42、 sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, “Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet
43、?“ 上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车.接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了.她的惯性使她接近了我的脚.我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来.她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”“二十四、 “During the doctors periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he
44、 bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.When he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. “Can you imagine, “ she said. “Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!医生按期来探视我的老母。我告诉他母亲不几
45、天就要庆祝她 98 岁的生日了。医生听了也很高兴，为此，他弯下腰来亲了她一下。然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。医生走后，我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。 “你能想象吗， ”她说， “付了他 70 元，我还得亲他！”“二十五、 一周七天英语怎么说星期一 【 忙 day】 ； 星期二 【求死 day】 ；星期三 【未死 day】 ； 星期四 【受死 day】 ； 星期五【福来 day】 ； 星期六 【洒脱 day】 ； 星期天【伤 day】 。二十六、 “Did the children behave when you bathed them?“ inquired the mistre
46、ss to the new French nurse, when she returned home from the party. “All but the biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and hes only two years old.“ “Which biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and he is only two years old.“ “It is not little Freddy, I mean. It is the big boy with glasses an
47、d curly hair.“ “Good gracious! Thats not my boy, thats my husband.“ “你给孩子们洗澡的时候他们规矩不规矩？” 一位女士从宴会回家后对一名法国护士询问道。 “除了那个最大的男孩，其他表现都很好。在我把他放到水里之前，他又闹又踹。 ”护士回答道。 “哪个最大的男孩？我们只有一个男孩，弗雷德，他只有两岁。 ” “不是小弗雷德，我是说那个戴着眼镜卷头发的大男孩。 ”“老天，那不是我的孩子，那是我丈夫。 ”“二十七、 “A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importan
48、ce of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said a small boy, Ive made someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday
49、, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad！一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。做得好，是谁“ 呢？我奶奶。好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她， 在她那儿呆了三个小 时。然后我跟她说：奶奶，我要 回家了。 她说：啊 ，我很高兴！二十八、 “The absent-minded professor shouted: “Kate, come to the blackboard!“ Another student says, “Kate is absent, Professor.“ “Silent! Let Kate speak for herself.“粗心的教授大声地喊道：“凯特，到黑板前面来！
