1、英语幽默笑话带翻译1:A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: “I think that he is very ill.“ “I am afraid that he is dead.“said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: “Im not dead. Im still alive.“ “B
2、e quiet, “said the wife. “the doctor knows better than you!“ 医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:“我想他伤得很厉害.“医生说:“我怕他已经死了.“听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:“我没死,我还活着.“妻子说:“安静,医生比你懂得多.“ 2:You cant go without meThe bus is very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.“Hey,let me get on the bus.“the
3、 man shouts.“Its too crowded.Youd better take the next bus.“a passenger says to him.“But you cant go withou me.Im the driver.“the man says.没有我你们走不了公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.“喂,让我上车!“那位男士喊道.“车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆“车上的一位乘客对他说.“但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!“那位男士说道. 3:Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going hom
4、e. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, “Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad?“ “Well, my son,“ his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.“ “But, dad,“ t
5、he boy said, “ theres only ONE policeman!“ 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”4:Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The litt
6、le boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?“ “In the rat-trap, sir,“
7、replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。5:Dear white, something you got to know .When I was born, I was black.When I grow up, I am blackWhen Im under the sun, Im blackWhen Im cold,
8、Im blackWhen Im afraid, Im black.When Im sick, Im black.When I die, Im still black.you-white people,When you were born, you were pink.When you grow up, you become white.Youre red under the sun.Youre blue when youre cold.You are yellow when youre afraid.Youre green when youre sick.Youre gray when you
9、 die.And you, call me “color“?亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 当我出生时，我是黑色的我长大了，我是黑色的我在阳光下，我是黑色的我寒冷时，我是黑色的我害怕时，我是黑色的我生病了，我是黑色的当我死了，我仍是黑色的。你-白种人，当你出生时，你是粉红色的。你长大了，变成白色的。你在阳光下，你是红色的。你寒冷时，你是青色的。你害怕时，你是黄色的。你生病时，你是绿色的。当你死时，你是灰色的。而你，却叫我有色人种？6：Where is the father?Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.“Look
10、,“ said the elder brother. “How nice these paintings are!“ “Yes,“ said the younger, “but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?“The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, “Obviously he was painting the pictures.“兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些
11、画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”7：How Many Rabbits?Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir.Teacher: Nine?Jonathan: Ive got one already, sir.多少只兔
12、子？老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。老师：九只？乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。8：These Are My JeansAfter going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself-especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago“Look，look” she shouted while running downstairs to show her h
13、usband“I can wear my old jeans again”Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans” 那是我的裤子! 一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”9：The mean mans partyThe notorious cheap skate finally
14、decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.“ “Why use my elbow and foot?“Well, gosh,“ was the reply, “Youre not coming empty-hangded, are you?“吝啬鬼请客一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次
15、客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。10：All I do is pay“My family is just like a nation,“ Mr. Brown told his colleague. “My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign sec
16、retary.“ “Sounds interesting, “ his colleague replied. “And what is your position?“Im the people. All I do is pay.“我要做的一切就是付钱布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”“听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。” 1. What room has no walls, no doors, no windows, and no floors?A mushroo
17、m.(蘑菇)2. What is smaller than an insects mouth?Anything it eats.3. What large instrument do you carry in your ears?Drums, that is eardrums.(鼓膜)4. Whats too much for one, just right for two, but nothing at all for three?A secret.5. What person tried to make you smile most of the time?A photographer.6
18、. What animal has a head like a cat, eyes like a cat, a tail like a cat, but isnt a cat?A kitten.(小猫 )7. What surprising things happen every 24 hours?Day breaks, but doesnt fall; night falls, but doesnt break.8. What can hear you without ears and can answer you without a mouth?An echo.(回声)9. What do
19、 you know about the kings of France?They are all dead.10. What question can you never answer yes“ to“Are you asleep?11. Why do some old people never use glasses?They must prefer bottles to glasses.12. Why is the person wearing two coats while painting the house?Because the instructions on the paint
20、can say “Put on two coats for best results.“13. What two words have thousands of letters in them?Post office.14. What do workers do in a clock factory?They make faces all day.15. What 5-letter word has 6 left when you take 2 letters away?Sixty.16. When do you go as fast as a racing car?When you are
21、in it.17. How many sides does a house have?Two - inside and outside.18. What never asks any questions but always gets answers?A doorbell.19. Where did Columbus stand when he discovered America?On his feet.20. When the boy fell into the water, whats the first thing he did?He got wet first of all.21.
22、Who isnt your sister and isnt your brother, but is still a child of your mother and father?I myself.22. What has teeth but cannot eat?A comb.23. What kind of man can raise things without lifting them?A farmer.24. Why does time fly?To get away from all the people who are trying to kill it.25. Name fi
23、ve days of the week without saying: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.The day before yesterday, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow.26. What animal eats and drinks with its tail?All do. No animal takes off its tail when eating and drinking.27. What has a soft bed but ne
24、ver sleeps, a big mouth but never speaks?A river.28. What kind of dog never bite?A hot dog.29. Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?Because it cant sit down.30. What did one invisible man say to the other invisible man?Its nice not to see you again.31. What wears a cap but has no
25、head?A bottle.32. What rises in the morning and waves all day?A flag.33. What is an astronomer?(天文学家)?A night watchman with a college education.34. How can you tell clocks and watches are shy?Because they always have their hands in front of their faces.35. What is wind?Air in a hurry.36. What comes
26、after the letter “A“?All the other letters.37. What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?Teapot.38. What word can you make shorter by adding to it?Short.39. What person does every man take his hat off to?A barber.40. Why does the boy carry a ladder to the school?Because he wants to go to
27、 high school.41. What can you swallow that can also swallow you?Water.42. Whats the difference between a hill and a pill?A hill is hard to get up and a pill is hard to get down.43. Why is it useless to send a letter to Washington?Because hes dead.44. A doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl. The la
28、wyer went away for a week and gave the girl seven apples before he left. Why?Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.45. What will you do if a man-eating tiger is running after you?Nothing. Because Im a woman.46. What always travels on foot?A shoe.47. Where can happiness always be found?In the
29、dictionary.48. What is higher without a head than with a head?A pillow.(枕头)49. Why dont you advertise for your lost dog?He cant read.50. On which side does a bird have the most feathers?The outside.51. What is the best thing to keep in hot weather?Cool!52. What is never used until its broken?An egg.
30、53. Whats a skeleton?(骨架)Its a lot of bones without the person on them!54. What is dark but made by light?A shadow.55. What can you break with only one word?Silence.56. What stays indoors no matter how many times you put it out?The light.57. A policeman saw a truck driver going the wrong way down a
31、one-way street, but didnt give him a ticket. Why?Because the truck driver was walking.58. Where can milk be best stored?In a cow.59. Which can move faster, heat or cold?Heat, because you can catch cold easily.60. Whats the hardest thing about learning skating?The ice.61. What has cities with no hous
32、es, rivers without water and forests without trees?A map.62. What can be measured but has no length, width or thickness?The temperature.63. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?It never eats.64. Why is writing called handwriting?If people wrote with their feet, we would have to call it footwriting.65.
33、If there were only thre girls in the world, what do you think they would do?Two of them would get together ans talk about the other one.66. How many great men have been born in London?None. Only babies.67. When can you have an empty pocket and still have something in it?When you have a hole in your pocket.
