1、DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 03.12 NOT WHILE IM AROUND(formatted by Amanda)Mary Alice: “Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous peopleshe sees on the nightly news, which is why she buy expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can
2、go about her dayfeeling safe and protected.”The various housewives protect themselves by setting alarms, putting baseball bats by the front door, etc.Mary Alice: “Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with every day, which is why he takes ordinary item
3、s and turns them into weapons that he always keeps handy, so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected.”In prison, Mike Delfino takes a toothbrush and spends time sharpening the end of it before slipping it in his sock to hide it.Mary Alice: “What is the difference between the housewife and
4、 the inmate? The inmate knows the feeling wont last long.”PRISONMike wanders into the exercise yard and as he passes by two other inmates, they nudge each other, then get up and follow Mike, where they corner him.Inmate: “Delfino, right?”Mike: “Yeah. So?”The men attack him. As they kick and punch hi
5、m, Paul Young comes rushing over and fights off the attackers.Inmate: “Come on, brah, lets go.”The attackers leave.Paul: “You okay?”Mike: “Yeah. I owe you one.”Paul: “Yeah. I guess you do.”They wander off separately.Mary Alice: “Yes, we all need protection from those who would do us harm.”Paul finds
6、 the two inmates who beat up Mike and surreptitiously hands one of them some cash as he walks by.Mary Alice: “And sometimes from those who protect us.”OPENING CREDITSMary Alice: “Wild parties. Handsome strangers. Tender kisses.”Gabrielle is in a car with friends. They drop her off in front of her ho
7、use.Gabrielle: “Oh. I had a great time. Bye.”She walks up to her house and unlocks the front door.Mary Alice: “Yes, there were many things Gabrielle Solis liked about being single again. But coming home to an empty house Was not one of them.”She steps inside and screams as she sees a figure standing
8、 there. She throws her purse at it and turns on the light to reveal a mannequin wearing an expensive dress.A few minutes later, she knocks on Mikes front door and Carlos opens the door.Gabrielle: “Hi. Youre sleeping at my place tonight.”Carlos: “Really? What did you have in mind?”Later, at Gabrielle
9、s house, Carlos is lying on the couch and Gabrielle hands him a pillow.Carlos: “God, I hate my life.”Gabrielle: “Honestly, did you think I was gonna sleep with you?”Carlos: “It would be the polite way to thank me.”Gabrielle: “Carlos, this isnt funny. I am scared to death of this maniac.”Carlos: “Sin
10、ce when? Yesterday you were loving all the presents, the intrigue.”Gabrielle: “The guy broke into the house. He went from secret admirer to stalker. For all I know, hes trying to kill me so no one else will have me.”Carlos: “Why dont you just call the cops?”Gabrielle: “Oh, and tell them what? 9-1-1,
11、 somebody broke in the house And left a six thousand dollar dress!”Carlos: “Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly?”Gabrielle: “Nothing. Just having you here helps.”Carlos: “Now thats very sweet.”Gabrielle: “Because when he breaks in And starts hacking you up with his
12、 machete, your screams will wake me up, and then Ill be able to escape.”Carlos: “Glad I could help.”LYNETTES HOUSELynette is sitting on the table drinking wine when a key turns in the front door and Tom comes inside.Lynette: “Hey, stranger.”Tom: “Hey.”Lynette: “You have good timing. I just got all t
13、he kids to sleep.”Tom: “Aw, damn, I wanted to tuck em in.”Lynette: “Well, you could tuck me in.”Tom: “I thought I smelled your sex perfume. Come here. Hi.”He leans Lynette back on the table so hes nearly lying on top of her.Lynette: “Hi.”Tom: “Hi.”Lynette: “Mmm.”Tom: “Oh, oh, oh, mmm. Wait a minute,
14、 wait a minute. Dont get me all revved up just yet. The printer said he was gonna drop off my menu on his way home.”Lynette: “He already did.”Tom: “Oh, you didnt look at that, did you? Cause it-its just a mock-up.”Lynette: “Too late. I looked.and its great.”Tom: “Really?”Lynette: “Yes. I love the fo
15、nt, the color, everything. I am so jazzed to see the restaurant.”Tom: “It is so good to hear that. Mmm.”Lynette: “Ooh!”They begin kissing again.Lynette: “So. any idea when that might be?”Tom: “Sure. How about. two weeks?”Lynette: “Hey. You open in two weeks.”Tom: “Yeah. Well, thatd be a good time fo
16、r you to come by, Cause theres free refills,balloons, music.”Lynette: “Might there be a V.I.P. preview for people, say, who bore your children?”Tom: “Lynette.”Lynette: “Yeah?”Tom: “I dont want you to see it until its all done.”Lynette: “Why not?”Tom: “Because you will take one look at the place. And
17、 then youll have all these tips and suggestions that you just wont be ableto keep to yourself.”Lynette: “Ya think? Cause I just saw a take-out menu with a six-digit phone number, and I kept that to myself.”Tom: “See? There it is! That snarky, know-it-all attitude.”Lynette: “What? I am snarky because
18、 I point out one small, glaring mistake?”Tom: “Thats it. Now youre banned from the opening.”Lynette: “Fine! Good night.”She gets up and goes up the stairs.Tom: “So. were not having sex?”Lynette: “Hey, you banned me from your opening.”SUSANS HOUSEJulie and Austin are sitting at the kitchen table, tal
19、king.Julie: “All Im saying is that Id feel a lot safer on the pill.”Austin: “But if youre not eighteen, you need parental consent. Do we really need to give your mother another reason to hate me?”Julie: “Shell hate you a lot worse if you get me-Hey!”Susan walks into the room with a basket of laundry
20、. She stops.Julie: “Hi.”Susan: “Hi. Bye.”Julie: “Bye.”Austin: “Bye.”She goes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, she quietly puts down the basket of laundry and gets on her hands and knees to creep back down the stairs to eavesdrop.Austin: “Cant we just keep using condoms and be extra careful?”Julie
21、: “Are you crazy? Theyre not dependable.”Austin: “Sure, they are. Why do you think everybody uses them? They all have to pass inspection.”Julie: “Its too risky. Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective.”Susan falls down the stairs.Julie: “Mom! Mom, what happened? Are you okay?”Susan: “Oh! I wa
22、s just, uh.I lost an earring.”Julie: “Mom, youre wearing both your earrings.”Susan: “Oh! I found it. Austin, I would like to talk to my daughter privately.”Austin: “Sure. Call me later.”He leaves.Susan: “Why were you two talking about condoms?”Julie: “Why were you eavesdropping?”Susan: “Dont change
23、the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought that I raised you to be smarter than that. Dont you realize that sex is not fun and games? Its dangerous. Every time you turn around, theres a new disease. Do you want it to burn when you pee?”Julie: “Mom“Susan: “Sex kills!”Julie: “Mom!”Susan: “
24、What?”Julie: “Im not having sex.”Susan: “Really?”Julie: “Really.”Susan: “Oh, thank god. If youre not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?”Julie: “Because we know two kids at school who are, and theyre only using condoms, which really stupid because condoms are only eighty-five percent eff
25、ective.”Susan: “Yes. Thats right. A condom alone will not protect you.”Julie: “I totally agree.”OUTSIDE BREES HOUSEBree looks out her window and sees Edie across the street with Alma at Almas new house. She goes outside to where Edie and Alma are.Alma: “Bree!”Bree: “Alma! I-I didnt know that, uh, yo
26、u knew Edie.”Alma: “I told your friends at that dinner party I was looking for a new house.”Bree: “A house?”Alma: “Yes, and Gaby introduced us.”Bree: “Oh. Well, um.I dont want to keep you. Im sure that Edie has lots of other houses to show you.”Alma: “Nope. Were done. Alma took one look at the Apple
27、white house, And bam! Love at first sight.”Bree: “What?”Alma: “Were gonna be neighbors.”Bree: “No! I mean.I mean, no, Alma, you cant buy this house.”Alma: “Why not?”Bree: “Well, are you aware of its history? The previous owner was harboring a murderer.Edie: “It was her son. Say what you like, she wa
28、s a great mom.”Bree: “They had a dungeon in the basement. I mean, people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night.”Alma turns to look at the house and Edie leans over to Bree and whispers in her ear.Edie: “Theyre gonna hear groans coming from your house if you dont zip it.”Alma turn
29、s back to Bree and Edie.Bree: “Dont worry, Alma, Im sure that, uh, Edie can find you a house that wont give you nightmares.”Alma: “Its too late, Bree. Ive fallen in love with this neighborhood. And as for that haunted house stuffwell, thats just silly. People dont come back from the dead.”She and Ed
30、ie walk off.Bree: “Dont I wish.”BREES HOUSEOrson and Bree are making dinner.Bree: “I will not have that woman as a neighbor. You have got to do something.”Orson: “I said Id talk to her.”Bree: “So what are you waiting for?”Orson: “The house is dark. Shes not there.”Bree: “Oh, so youre just gonna wait
31、 until she moves in?Orson: “I will deal with it. Bree, please calm down.”Bree: “How can I be calm?! For months, people thought you killed your first wife. No sooner does she show up and clear your name, than the police haul you off to ask you about another murder!”Orson: “They just had some question
32、s.”Bree: “Everybody has questions. Susan and I arent even speaking because of it.”Orson: “Bree, please.”Bree: “I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social. But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I am hosting some kind of Mormon slumber party, and I do
33、 not know how I am gonna bake my way out of this one!”Orson: “Darling, I swear to you, I will get Alma out of that house. I dont care if I have to live up to my reputation and strangle her.”Bree: “Oh, youre a good husband.”EDIES HOUSEJulie and Austin are sitting on Edies couch while Edie stands.Edie
34、: “Have you lost your mind? I am not getting you the pill.”Austin: “Aunt Edie, Julie and I are in love.”Edie: “Oh, please. Its not love youre feeling. Its hormones.”Austin: “Thats not true.”Edie: “Okay, fine. If you want to.express your love, you dont need to go all the way. Kiss. Touch. Rub. I mean
35、, whatever happened to heavy petting? Its so underrated.”Austin: “Thats your advice?”Edie: “Well, Im sorry. Ive never been good at getting people not to have sex.”Julie: “So youre not gonna help us?”Edie: “Julie, if I do this, your mother would have my head. You should be talking to her.Julie: “I ca
36、nt talk to her. The whole idea of this completely freaks her out. She started screaming sex kills.”Edie: “Hmm, so now its all in my lap. God, she pisses me off. Look, how about I spring for a box of condoms? Will that get you two off my back?”Julie: “Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective.”E
37、die: “Is that true? Damn. I thought I could coast all the way to menopause.”Austin: “Look, were gonna have sex whether you help us or not.”Julie: “Were just trying to be responsible.”Edie: “Hmm. All right. But just so you know, the responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies.
38、There. I said it out loud, just in case anybody asks.”GABRIELLES HOUSECarlos walks into Gabrielles bedroom. Shes in the dressing room, with the doors closed.Carlos: “Gaby, I need another pillow.”Gabrielle: “All right. Dont take the big one. Thats my favorite.”Carlos: “Its only for one night. Cause t
39、omorrow Im gonna be back home sleeping in my own bed.”Gabrielle: “What?! You cant abandon me! Theres a madman stalking me. My life is on the line. Do you know how scared I am?”She opens the dressing room doors to reveal that shes wearing the dress her stalker gave her.Carlos: “Youre keeping that?”Ga
40、brielle: “Hey, Im scared, but not of the dress.”Later that night, a car door slams in the distance and Gabrielle wakes up. She looks out the window and sees a man walking toward her house. She rushes downstairs and wakes up Carlos.Gabrielle: “Carlos! Carlos, wake up! I need you!”Carlos: “Oh, yeah, I
41、 thought youd come around.”Gabrielle: “What? No!”She slaps him. He wakes up fully.Carlos: “Hey!”Gabrielle: “Hes here.”The man puts something down on Gabrielles front porch. Carlos opens the door and the man runs. Carlos runs after him and tackles him on the front lawn.Gabrielle: “Carlos, be careful!
42、 He might have a gun!”She runs up to him when Carlos has him down and she begins to kick him.Man: “Im unarmed. Stop kicking me!”Gabrielle: “Oh, now youre gonna give me attitude?!”Man: “Ow!”Carlos: “Gaby, we got him. Maintain.”Later, the man is sitting on the front porch with his cell phone to his ea
43、r as Carlos and Gabrielle stand over him.Gabrielle: “This jerk has been terrorizing me. He broke into my house!”Man: “It was a six thousand dollar dress, and my boss didnt want me leaving it on the porch.”Gabrielle: “Your boss?”The man speaks into the cell phone.Man: “Hey, uh, ahem, Im sorry to wake
44、 you, sir, but there was a problem dropping off the gift. Yes, and shes, uh, right here with me.”Gabrielle grabs the phone away.Gabrielle: “This is Gabrielle. Who the hell is this? Yes, I got your token of esteem, and Im not impressed. Because youre freaking me out, thats why! No, I dont care how mu
45、ch it cost. Thats beside the point. Really? That much?”Carlos: “Tell him if he doesnt stop harassing you, youre gonna call the cops.”Gabrielle: “Look, I know youre trying to be romantic, But if you keep this up, Im gonna be forced.”She pauses and laughs.Carlos: “Whatd he say?”Gabrielle: “Thats very
46、sweet of you, But I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.”Carlos: “Tell him youre gonna get a restraining order on him.”Gabrielle: “Yes, I-I may be in the top ten.”Carlos: “Gaby!”Gabrielle: (to Carlos) “Hey, Im talking here!” (into the phone) “Your voice sounds so familiar. Do I know you?” (
47、to Carlos) “He says I know him and that he wants to reintroduce himself at dinner.”Carlos: “Absolutely not.”Gabrielle: “I would not feel comfortable meeting for dinner.”Carlos: “Good girl.”Gabrielle: “How about lunch?”Carlos: “Gaby!”Gabrielle: “But you have to promise to stop buying me these expensi
48、ve gifts. Because Im notthat kind of girl. Well, for that many karats, yes, I could be that kind of girl. Um, I gotta go. Ill talk to you tomorrow! Oh, how about that? And here I was, thinking some guy wants to murder me in my sleep.”Carlos: “The nights still young.”Carlos goes inside.PRISONPaul goe
49、s up to Mike.Paul: “How are those ribs?”Mike: “Ah, just needed some tape. Man, those guys were hard-core. You really saved my ass.”Paul: “Dont mention it.”Mike: “No. Seriously. If theres ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word.”Paul: “Ill keep that in mind.”Mike: “All right.”Paul walks off. A guard motions Mike over.Guard: “Hey, Delfino.”Mike: “Yeah, boss?”Guard: “You might wanna find yourself another prom date. Guys
