1、101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.Monica: Theres nothing to tell! Hes just some guy I work with!Joey: Come on, youre going out with the guy! Theres gotta be something wrong with him!Chandler: Al
2、l right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?(They all stare, bemused.)Phoebe: Just, cause, I dont want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. Its just two people going out t
3、o dinner and- not having sex.Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.Time LapseChandler: Alright, so Im back in high school, Im standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize theres a phone. there.Joey: Ins
4、tead of.?Chandler: Thats right.Joey: Never had that dream.Phoebe: No.Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they werent looking at you before?!Chandler: Finally, I figure Id better answer it, and it turns out its m
5、y mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!Time Lapse, Ross has entered.Ross: (mortified) Hi.Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth
6、and tied it around my neck.Chandler: Cookie?Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh.Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.Ross: Thanks.Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)Ross: No, no dont! Stop cleansing my aura! No, j
7、ust leave my aura alone, okay?Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!Ross: Ill be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope shell be very happy.Monica: No you dont.Ross: No I dont, to hell with her, she left me!Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian.Ross: No! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She di
8、dnt know, how should I know?101 试播没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！少来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有问题！打住，乔伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又带假发？慢着，他吃粉笔吗？我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。各位别急，这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐，而且不做爱。听起来好像是说我的约会。记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，突然发现自己全身赤裸。我做过那样的梦。我低头一看，看见有一支电话在那儿。而不是？没错。我没做过那样的梦,没有。那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每个人都开始望着我。他们以前不看你吗？！终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，我感到
9、很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给我！嗨。这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。你还好吧？我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，抓起我的肠子，从我的口中取出，然后绑在我脖上饼干？卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。- 我帮你泡杯咖啡，谢了。不要别清理我的灵气。可是别碰我的灵气就是了。好吧，保持晦气！我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。- 不，你不会的，没错，- 我不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。没有！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out l
10、oud?Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., “Ill never have grandchildren, Ill never have grandchildren.“ was what? A wrong number?Ross: Sorry.Joey: Alright Ross, look. Youre fee
11、ling a lot of pain right now. Youre angry. Youre hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?(Ross gestures his consent.)Joey: Strip joint! Cmon, youre single! Have some hormones!Ross: I dont want to be single, okay? I just. I just- I just wanna be married again!(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress
12、and starts to search the room.)Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)Monica: Rachel?!Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you werent there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!Waitress:
13、 Can I get you some coffee?Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Rosss umb
14、rella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?Rachel: Oh God. well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where
15、we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet n Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and
16、thats when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Yknow, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but. Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?. (to Monica) So anyway I just didnt know where to go, and I know that
17、you and I have kinda drifted apart, but youre the only person I knew who lived here in the city.Monica: Who wasnt invited to the wedding.Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldnt be an issue. Scene: Monicas Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure ou
18、t what is going on.Monica: Now Im guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and shes really not happy about it. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!Ross: (in a deep voice) Ill have whatever Christine is having.Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just. I cant marry him! Im so
19、rry. I just dont love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)话题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗？昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。真的吗，凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女人歇斯底里的向我哭诉，“我不能抱孙子了，我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么？打错了？对不起。别闷闷不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割。能告诉你解决之道吗？脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。我不想
20、单身的。我只想再结婚。我只想要一百万！- 瑞秋？！- 天啊，莫妮卡，谢天谢地！我到过你的住处，你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿，结果你真的在这儿。想来杯咖啡吗？无咖啡因的。各位，她叫瑞秋，另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒，菲比，乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？当然。嗨。你想现在告诉我们，还是等伴娘来再说？婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里，看着船形卤肉盘，非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘，突然间有没有代糖？我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣” ，我自己都吓了一跳，巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想，我为何这么做？我为谁这样做？于是我不知
21、该走往何处，我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。这件事就甭提啦。我猜他送她一台管风琴，她肯定不喜欢，金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉？快决定！Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the st
22、airs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)Rachel: Cmon Daddy, listen to me! Its like, its like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, Youre a shoe! Youre a shoe, youre a shoe, youre a shoe!. And today I just stopped and I said
23、, What if I dont wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, yknow? Or a- or a hat! No, Im not saying I want you to buy me a hat, Im saying I am a ha- Its a metaphor, Daddy!Ross: You can see where hed have trouble.Rachel: Look Daddy, its my life. Well maybe Ill just stay here with Monica. Monica
24、: Well, I guess weve established whos staying here with Monica.Rachel: Well, maybe thats my decision. Well, maybe I dont need your money. Wait! Wait, I said maybe!Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.Monica: Just breathe, breathe. thats it. Just try to think of nice calm things. Phoebe: (
25、sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens. La la la la.something and noodles with string. These are a few.Rachel: Im all better now.Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and
26、 Joey.) I helped!Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, yknow? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, hat thing.Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And hes away a lot.Monica: Joey, stop hitti
27、ng on her! Its her wedding day!Joey: What, like theres a rule or something?(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)Chandler: Please dont do that again, its a horrible sound.Paul: (over the intercom) Its, uh, its Paul.Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!Joey: Whos Paul?Ross: Paul the Wine G
28、uy, Paul?Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your not a real date tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?Ross: He finally asked you out?Monica: Yes!Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel.Rachel: Please, no, go, thatd be fine!Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you
29、want me to stay?Ross: (choked voice) Thatd be good.Monica: (horrified) Really?Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! Its Paul the Wine Guy!Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesnt know.)(Theres a knock on the door and its Paul.)我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。爸，我不能嫁给他对
30、不起，我只是不爱他。对，是我的问题！如果我没了头发，还不如去死。她不该穿那条裤子。我建议推她下楼，推她下楼！推她下楼！推她下楼！爸，你听我说大家这样评价我这一辈子：你是一只鞋今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋会怎样。我说如果我想当皮包呢？或是帽子呢？不，我不需你帮我买帽子。我说我是一顶帽子。爸，这是一种比喻。你看他也有些问题。爸，这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在这儿。我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这儿。或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。等一下，等一下我说的是或许！深呼吸，就这样。试着想着美好的事物玫瑰上的雨滴，猫嘴上的胡须，门铃和雪橇之类的。啦 啦 啦还有手套我现在好多了。我的功劳。或许这样
31、最好，要自立，决定自己的事情。有任何需要找乔伊准没错。我和钱德勒就住在对面，而且他经常不在家。乔伊,少趁虚而入了，今天是她大喜的日子。什么？有规定不能吗？别再这样，声音很刺耳。我是保罗。天啊，6:30了吗？让他进来！保罗是谁？调酒的那个保罗？或许吧。等等,你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保罗约会吧？他终于开口约你了？对。Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is. (They are all lined up next to the door.). everybody, everybody, this is Paul.All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wi
32、ne Guy! Hey!Chandler: Im sorry, I didnt catch your name. Paul, was it?Monica: Okay, umm-umm, Ill just-Ill be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah.Ross: A wandering?Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That cant be good.(Monica go
33、es to change.)Joey: Hey, Paul!Paul: Yeah?Joey: Heres a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!Ross: So Rachel, whatre you, uh. whatre you up to tonight?Ra
34、chel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!Ross: Right, youre not even getting your honeymoon, God. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year. talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards. Anyway, if you dont feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are co
35、ming over to help me put together my new furniture.Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and were very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think Im just gonna hang out here tonight. Its been kinda a long day.Ross: Okay, sure.Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don
36、t want to.Commercial BreakScene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love.is like a giant pigeon.crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that
37、guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la.ohhh!Scene: Rosss Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) Im supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys wha
38、tsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)Joey: Im thinking weve got a bookcase here.Chandler: Its a beautiful thing.Joey: (picking up a leftover part) Whats this?Chandler: I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket.Joey: Which goes where?Chand
39、ler: I have no idea.(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)Joey: Done with the bookcase!Chandler: All finished!Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carols favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if youre gonn
40、a start with that stuff were outta here.终于被你等到了。瑞秋，等等，我可以取消。不用了，你去吧，我不会有事的。罗斯，你没事吧。你要我留下来吗？那样最好真的吗？- 假的，去吧！是保罗，调酒师耶！什么意思？他是卖酒的，喝酒的，还是评酒的？请进！ 保罗，这位是各位，各位，他就是保罗。保罗调酒大师。抱歉，我没听清楚你名字。保罗，是吗？我马上就好，我去，去神魂恍惚啦？换衣服！请坐，两秒钟。我刚拔掉四根睫毛，不妙。嗨，保罗！ 嗯，有何指教？一个小秘密，莫妮卡其实就喜欢这样，你摩擦她脖子的同一个地方，反反复复，直到那里开始有点发红。乔伊你给我闭嘴！瑞秋，你打算如何渡过
41、今晚？我应该在前往阿鲁巴渡蜜月的途中，因此没了！我懂，你没去渡蜜月。虽然阿鲁巴在此时有很多大蜥蜴，如果你今晚不想独处，乔伊和钱德勒要到我那儿帮我组合新家俱，对，我们都相当兴奋。谢谢，但我今晚想待在这儿，我折磨了一天。好吧，当然。菲此，想帮忙吗？我可以去，但我不去。爱情似炎炎夏日中的阵雨般美妙，love is a wondrous work of art,but your love oh your love,your love.is like a giant pigeon.crapping on my heart.啦-啦-啦-啦-啦- 谢谢。我应该用蜗杆将托架装在侧面，但我没看见托架和蜗杆，而且
42、，我的脚好麻。Chandler: Yes, please dont spoil all this fun.Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?Ross: You guys.Chandler: Oh, God.Joey: You got screwed.Chandler: Oh my God!Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.Monica: Oh my God!Pa
43、ul: I know, I know, Im such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?Monica: My brothers going through that right now, hes such a mess. How did you get through it?Paul: Well, you might try accidentally
44、 breaking something valuable of hers, say her-Monica: -leg?Paul: (laughing) Thats one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriends favorite bath towel.Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.Monica: Thats right. Scene: M
45、onicas Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.Rachel: Barry, Im sorry. I am so sorry. I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isnt. it isnt, its about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phon
46、e.) Hi, machine cut me off again. anyway.look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isnt me, its not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too. (The maching cuts her off again and she red
47、ials.)Scene: Rosss Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.Ross: Im divorced! Im only 26 and Im divorced!Joey: Shut up!Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)Ross: That only took me an hour.Chandler:
48、Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we havent had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we dont do it! I dont think that was my point!Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if theres only one woman for everybody, yknow? I mean what if you get one woman- and thats it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her.Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? Thats like saying theres only one
