1、DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.16 - MY HUSBAND, THE PIG(formatted by Amanda)Rex: “My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that Im dead, I like em even less. Heres where I used to live.a whole lot nicer, dont you think? The place hasnt changed much since I left.as taste
2、ful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect.at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. Youd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son An
3、drew.to look at him, youd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle.does she look like the kind of girl whod seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, theyre my kids, and I love em, but Im pretty darn relie
4、ved to be dead. Heres the clown Bree replaced me with.Orson. I dont mind saying, hes creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried.and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks hes Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And a
5、ll my friends.now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.“Orson puts Bree in a cab and watches as it drives off. Mike walks up to him.Orson: “Mike, you, uh, you just missed Bree. Shes off to see her folks, and then were finally taking
6、our honeymoon.“Mike: “Yeah, not a bad time for you to leave town, is it?“Orson: “Well, I dont follow you.“Mike: “I just keep thinking about that night at Moniques place. how you made sure I left with my wrench, the one with her blood on it.“Orson: “Well, it was your wrench. Why are you rehashing thi
7、s? My ex-wife confessed in her suicide note. The case is closed.“Mike: “Maybe it shouldnt be. What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?“Orson: “What do you think theyd say if they knew you threw me off a roof? Oh, Mike. We could make so much trouble for each othe
8、r, or we can forget what we think we know and be good neighbors. Your call.“He holds out his hand for Mike to shake it. After a hesitation, Mike shakes Orsons hand.Rex: “No, Orson Hodge isnt exactly the guy Id have picked to head my family, but Ill give him one thing.hes got the smile down cold.“OPE
9、NING CREDITSRex: “Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what youre gonna see? Desperate women. Thats right.one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable.in her own unique way. But I dont want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy w
10、hen that special lady in his life starts to lose it. Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all.hot wife, tons of dough, then bam! She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill. But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau? No, Sir. He finds creative ways to get what you c
11、an out of life.“MIKES HOUSECarlos is looking at a singles ad on his laptop. Mike comes down the stairs and Carlos closes the laptop.Carlos: “Hey, bro! Where you off to?“Mike: “Oh, the hospital called. They found the stuff I had on me the night of the accident.“Carlos: “Wow. Coma, murder rap.youve ha
12、d a tough year, buddy. You know what you need? Some pampering. Tomorrow youre checking in to a nice hotel. Room service, jacuzzi, my treat.“Mike: “You trying to get me out of the house?“Carlos: “Mike, why would I.okay, theres this girl.“Mike: “I knew it.“Carlos: “Dude, shes a dancer, and if her onli
13、ne profiles any indication, shes a complete freak. Were talking serious daddy issues.“Mike: “Look, Ill stay in my room. Youll never hear me.“Carlos: “Yeah, but youll hear me. Im kind of exuberant by nature, and when I havent had it in a while, I kind of do this shrieking thing that, I mean, it is ki
14、nda.“Mike: “Okay, Ill go. Just stop talking.“Carlos: “Thanks, pal! I wouldnt want it to put a weird spin on our friendship.“Mike: “Too late.“Mike leaves.LYNETTES HOUSETom is lying in bed, sleeping.Rex: “This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what hes been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his
15、 own pizza place. He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys.“Lynette wakes him up.Lynette: “Hey. Its after nine. Come on, Thomasina, its time to get up.“Rex “.are never their own boss.“Tom: “Are you as tired a
16、s I am?“Lynette: “More, but Im tougher, and I complain less.“Tom: “Not when you give birth, and you do that a lot.“Lynette: “Yeah?“She hits him.Tom: “Ow!“Lynette: “Before I forget, you got a call from Chez Nous confirming your reservation for our anniversary.“Tom: “You heard that? I wanted that to b
17、e a surprise.“Lynette: “Well, weve been going there for the last seven years. Its not exactly a surprise. Anyway, I hope you dont mind, but I canceled.“Tom: “You canceled? Why?“Lynette: “Honestly, I just dont feel up to going out this year.“Tom: “But its our anniversary. Its our ninth anniversary. C
18、ome on. The “big nine.“ Thats a year longer than my mom said we would be married. Come on. We gotta party down.“Lynette: “Im exhausted. Honestly, all I wanna do is pawn the kids off on somebody else, take a long bath and be in bed by eight.“Tom: “Okay.“Oh, thank you.“Tom: Thank you, thank you.“She p
19、ats his cheeks.Tom: “Hold it. What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary. We can still have sex. Just try not to wake me.“OUTSIDE SUSANS HOUSEIan walks up the sidewalk to Susans house.Rex: “This is Ian. Dont really know the guy, but Susan Mayer seems to like him. The other night, he surp
20、rised her with a proposal. She said yes, but hes still a little skittish about the competition. But Ian knows that if love is war.“Ian enters the house. Susan is drinking coffee at the kitchen table.“Hey. Where were you off to so early this morning?“Rex: “.sometimes you gotta bring out the big artil
21、lery.“Ian: “I should have had it when I proposed. Its not very good form, I know.“He opens up a ring box with an engagement ring inside.Susan: “Ian, oh, you cant be serious. Oh, oh, thats just.too much. Its huge.“Ian: “Well, we could go smaller.“Susan: “Oh, no. No ones saying smaller. No, thats craz
22、y talk. Rock me.“She holds out her hand for Ian to put the ring on it, which he does.Susan: “Oh! Oh, my! Oh, its so beautiful!It falls off her hand and rolls underneath the table.Susan: “Oh! Oh! Oh, okay, nobody move. I got it.“Ian: “I knew I should have measured your finger.“Susan: “No, its okay. I
23、 can get it resized.“Ian: “You should go to the jewelers right now, and when you get back, we can go and look at some places for the reception.“Susan: “Reception?“Ian: “Yes, I was hoping we could pull this together for next month.“Susan: “Whats the rush? Am I pregnant?“Ian: “Of course not. I just. w
24、ell, I just cant wait to be married to you.“Susan: “Are you sure? Cause you seem a little anxious.“Ian: “What would I have to be anxious about?“HOSPITALMike is picking up his items from the hospital. A nurse comes over with a clipboard.Nurse: “Again, sorry for the mix-up. If you could just sign righ
25、t here.“Mike holds up the ring box with the ring in it.Mike: “I dont remember this. You sure thats mine?“Nurse: “It was on you the night you were admitted.“Mike: “I got hit by a car. I dont remember anything about that night.“Nurse: “Well, it looks like you were gonna propose to someone.“She reads t
26、he inscription on the band.Nurse: “Susan, be mine forever. Mike.“ Does that ring a bell?“Mike: “It sure does.“MIKES HOUSEEdie knocks on the front door. Carlos answers it.Edie: “Hey, Carlos.“Carlos: “Hi.“Edie: “I have a little visitor that I thought you might get a kick out of seeing. Remember my lit
27、tle boy?“A young boy is standing next to Edie. Hes wearing a school backpack and holding a basketball.Carlos: “Hey, Travers. How you doing? Put her there.“They high-five.Carlos: “Im Carlos Solis. I think you came by my house one time trick-or-treating.“Edie: “I remember. You gave me a protein bar.“C
28、arlos: “Right. Sorry. My wife forgot to buy candy.“Edie: “Hey, is that football I hear? Go on. Check it out.“Travers goes inside and sits down in front of the TV.Carlos: “I didnt know your son was coming for a visit.“Edie: “Neither did I. His, uh, father just dumped him here for four weeks so he cou
29、ld jet off with his doctors without borders buddies and fix cleft palates in Kenya. Selfish son of a bitch.“Carlos: “Oh, come on. I mean, you barely even see him. Itll be fun.a chance to bond.“Edie: “Yeah, thats true, but, um.I have this major party tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you could ju
30、st keep an eye on him for a few hours.“Carlos: “Sorry. I cant tonight.“Edie: “Oh! Come on! You love kids. I mean, didnt you rent that Chinese chick so that you could have one of your own?“Carlos: “I have a date, too, with a chick so hot I had to turn off the smoke alarms in my house.“Edie: “Fine. Tr
31、avers, come on. Lets go. This isnt a child-friendly house.“Carlos: “Bye, Travers. Its good to see you.“OUTSIDE A STOREA distinguished gentleman and his driver walk towards their car. They see Gabrielle walking towards her car.Driver: “Wow, shes a looker.“Gentleman: “Ill say. Hey, what times that fun
32、d-raiser?“Driver: “You got an hour.“Gentleman: “Well, then.lets have a little fun.“As Gabrielle backs out of her car, the gentlemans car backs into hers.Gabrielle: “Look what you did!“Gentleman: “Dont yell at me. Im just a passenger.“Gabrielle: “Well, your drivers an idiot!“Gentleman: “Hey, its not
33、Clydes fault. I mean, what man wouldnt be distracted by such beauty?“Gabrielle: “Now youre hitting on me?“Gentleman: “I was talking about the car.“Gabrielle: “Well, good. Im glad you like it, cause youre gonna pay to fix this.“Gentleman: “Of course. Five thousand cover it?“Gabrielle: “Five? Well, su
34、re, I guess.“Gentleman: “Id rather not file an insurance claim. My opponent could find out and try to make me look bad.“Gabrielle: “Opponent?“Gentleman: “Oh, well, I guess you dont read the papers. Im running for mayor. My names Victor Lang, and I hope I can count on your vote.“Gabrielle takes the c
35、heck.Gabrielle: “I think Id rather vote for the other guy.you know, the one who didnt wreck my car?“She gets into her car and drives off.Clyde: “Oh, youre off your game. You didnt even get a phone number.“Victor: “Oh, dont worry. Ill be seeing her again.“Clyde: “How can you be so sure?“Victor: “I di
36、dnt sign the check.“CAR WASHJulie pulls her car into the automatic car wash. Right before it goes underneath the water, Austin runs up and gets in the car.Julie: “What the hell are you doing?“Austin: “We need to talk.“Julie: “No, we dont. Get out.“Austin: “Please. You wont return my calls.“Julie: “W
37、ell, Ive been busy. Plus, my Mom caught you naked on top of my friend.“Austin: “Just read this, and if you still dont want to talk to me, then Ill never bother you again.“He hands her a folded sheet of paper.Julie: “Fine, Ill read it, but only if you get out of the car right now.“Austin: “Now? But t
38、he.the hot wax is starting.“Julie: “I know. Tick-tock.“Austin: “Uh.Aah!“He gets out of the car.BREES HOUSEAndrew bangs on the bathroom door.Andrew: “Youre still in there? How long does it take to pluck that unibrow?“Danielle: “Leave me alone!“Andrew: “Danielle, I have to be at work in ten minutes. N
39、ow can I please just come in and brush my teeth?“Danielle: “Im having a really bad day, all right? Just go away!“Andrew: “Im gonna have a really bad day, too. I tend not to get tipped when my breath stinks.“She opens the door.Danielle: “Im pregnant.“She closes the door.JEWELERSMike is waiting by the
40、 ring counter when Susan walks in and stands next to him.Susan: “Mike, what are you doing here?“Mike: “Oh, hey, um, Im just selling some old jewelry.“A young woman who works there comes over to Mike.Woman: “I spoke to my manager. Theres gonna be a charge to remove the inscription, but, uh, we can re
41、fund you for the engagement ring.“Mike: “Thatll be fine.“Susan: “Was that the ring that you bought for.“Mike: “Yeah.“Woman: “Can I help you?“Susan: “Uh, yeah, I, uh, have to get this sized. Its.its a little loose.“Woman: “Do you know your size?“Susan: “No.“Mike: “Congratulations, by the way. Ian.see
42、ms great.“Susan: “Thanks.“Woman: “I cant find my sizer. Um, here. Try this one.“Susan: “Oh, no, th.“Woman: “Hows that fit?“Susan: “Its perfect.“She stands there staring at the ring on her finger.Woman: “Great. Can I have it back now?“Susan: “Oh! Oh, s-sorry.“OUTSIDE MIKES HOUSECarlos is mowing the l
43、awn when Tom comes over to him.Tom: “Hey, youve got a cousin in the limo business, dont you?“Carlos: “Actually, Ive got a cousin in the “limo as a front for prostitution“ business. Hes in jail. Why do you ask?“Tom: “Oh, Im, uh, Im just planning a big thing for my anniversary.“Carlos: “Arent you just
44、 gonna go to Chez Boring, like you do every year?“Tom: “No. Lynettes so over that, she was ready to bag the whole night, so got me thinking. Nine years.time to shake things up. Now Im planning the greatest anniversary of all time. Check this out. Lynettes gonna open the door to find a limo driver wi
45、th a dozen roses and a card. The card is gonna tell her to go with the guy, not ask any questions. Hell drive her out to the country. Hell drop her off, then drive away. Just as she is starting to freak out, I show up in a horse-drawn carriage, which takes us up to Whitmans Bluff, where we eat a cat
46、ered dinner, listen to a professional violinist. Afterwards, when we come home, Im sure Lynette will think of a way to thank me.“Carlos: “Youre one romantic son of a bitch.“Tom: “Wh-hoo! I have my moments.“VICTORS OFFICEVictor is speaking with a reporter.Victor: “Of course Im not questioning Mayor J
47、ohnsons family values. Im sure theyre what prompted him to put his sisters, brother-in-law and six of his cousins on the city payroll.“Gabrielle stands in the doorway.Victor: “Now, uh, if youll excuse me, I have to cut this interview short. I have some very important business to attend to.“The repor
48、ter leaves and Gabrielle comes in.Victor: “Ms. Solis, what a nice surprise. Are you here to make a contribution to my campaign?“Gabrielle: “Not exactly.“She pulls out the check he gave her and hands it over.Victor: “Oh, no. Did I forget to s.Im so sorry. Let me make it up to you. Ill take you to din
49、ner. My treat.“Gabrielle: “It would be your treat. Im a hot date. Whats in it for me?“Victor: “Well, I have, uh, “an ingratiating wit, trustworthy smile,“ according to the “Plainview Herald.“Gabrielle: “Yeah. Check, please.“Victor: “My family also owns Lang Enterprises. Dads worth a.few hundred mil.“Gabrielle: “Well, a girls gotta eat.“Victor: “Great. Ill take
