1、DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.20 - GOSSIP(formatted by Amanda)SCAVO RESTAURANTMary Alice: “The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasnt hurt by the chauffer who almost slammed a door on her fingers.or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand.or the waiter who almost d
2、ropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielles injury came about in a more unexpected fashion and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend.“Gabrielle and Lynette are at a table when a waiter stops by with two glasses of wine. Lynette takes them.Lynette: “Thank you. So have you told Bree a
3、bout your engagement?“Gabrielle: “Yep. Shes on the top of a Swiss Alp and still managed to send a basket of muffins.“Lynette: “Youre kidding.“Gabrielle: “No. Damn things traveled five thousand miles, and they were still moist.“Lynette: “I dont know how she does it. Hey, its getting late. Lets break
4、out the champagne.“Gabrielle: “Wait, wait. Youre not gonna embarrass me with some sappy toast, are you?“Lynette: “Im not, but Susans written a poem.“Gabrielle: “A poem?“Lynette: “Shes reworked the lyrics to “Wind Beneath My Wings.“They both look over to where Susan is standing with a microphone and
5、holding a piece of paper.Susan: “Testing. One, two, three, testing.“Gabrielle turns to Lynette.Gabrielle: “What are you waiting for? Get the champagne.“Lynette: “Okay.“Lynette leaves. Gabrielle starts walking over to the bar. Edie walks up to her.Edie: “Hey, Gaby.“Gabrielle: “Hi, Edie!“Edie: “So I f
6、inally met Victor. He is so charming.“Gabrielle: “Isnt he great? I know its been quick, but hes just so amazing.“Edie: “So you really love him? He is the one?“Gabrielle: “He is, and Ive never been happier.“Edie: “I am so thrilled for you.“Gabrielle: “Edie, are you okay?“Edie: “Yes! Oh, yes. Yes, Im-
7、Im fine. I.“Gabrielle: “Oh, sweetie. Dont worry. Youre gonna find someone soon. I just know it. What?“Edie: “Well, actually, I have found someone. And I am.crazy about him.“Gabrielle: “Well, who is it?“Edie: “Oh, no. No, no. Tonight is about you.“Gabrielle: “Oh, no, no, Edie. Come on. It would make
8、me happy to know whos making you happy.“Edie: “Really?“Gabrielle: “Yeah! I wanna know whos putting that dopey grin on your face.“Edie: “Well, actually, its.Carlos.“Gabrielle: “Who?“Edie: “Carlos. Ive been seeing Carlos.“The glass of wine that Gabrielle is holding shatters as Gabrielle squeezes it to
9、o tightly.“Mary Alice: And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see.“OPENING CREDITSWISTERIA LANEWoman: “Greg is definitely off the wagon. Last week.“Mary Al
10、ice: “Gossip-for most housewives, its just a harmless form of recreation, an exchange of semi-interesting tidbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know.“Ida Greenberg: “That mailman was in Sarahs house over an hour. Packages werent all hes delivering.“Woman: “I could smell the wh
11、iskey on Amys breath. It wasnt even noon yet.“Woman: “Joanne may say that she was off on a religious retreat, but since when does praying make your boobs bigger?“Mary Alice: “But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens, and thats when gossip stops being recreatio
12、n and becomes.obsession.“Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle stand in front of Lynettes house, watching Mrs. McCluskeys house.Gabrielle: “What kind of woman would keep her husbands body in the freezer?“Susan: “For ten years? Its crazy. Has anybody talked to her?“Lynette: “Ive knocked twice. Shes not answe
13、ring.“Susan: “Oh, I saw the curtain move. I think I saw a hand.“Lynette: “Oh, great. Now we know shes watching us.“Gabrielle: “Why should we be embarrassed? Were not the ones who kept a corpse-icle in the basement.“Susan: “Oh, thats right. She babysat your kids.“Lynette: “Oh, please, I dont want to
14、think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean, jeez, if you want to keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer.“Susan: “Do you think she actually killed him?“Gabrielle: “Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?“Lynette: “Well, so far, shes only
15、 been charged with improper disposal of a corpse.“Gabrielle: “But once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, I guarantee you theyre gonna find a bellyful of arsenic.“Parker: “Whats arsenic?“The three women turn around to find Parker standing there.Lynette: “Its just- its something yucky, honey. G
16、o on and play with your ball. Go on.“Parker leaves.Lynette: “Were trying so hard to protect them from this. There are just some things that kids dont need to know about.“Susan: “Hell, theres some things we dont need to know about.“Gabrielle looks over at Edies place, where Edie is putting the trash
17、out.Gabrielle: “Would you guys excuse me?“She leaves.Gabrielle: “Hey, Edie!“Edie: “Oh, hi, Gaby! Whats up?“Gabrielle: “Ive been doing some thinking, and you know how.how do I put this? You know how you feel like sometimes people hate you?“Edie: “I dont feel like that.“Gabrielle: “We, you should, cau
18、se they do.“Edie: “Since when?“Gabrielle: “Since you started doing things to piss people off.“Edie: “About what?“Gabrielle: “Oh, I dont know. Off the top of my head.dating your friends exes.“Edie: “Oh. Oh, so that big smile on your face the other night was all an act. Youre not fine with me seeing C
19、arlos.“Gabrielle: “Edie, there are a thousand single men in Fairview. Why do you have to date my ex-husband?“Edie: “Youre engaged to somebody else! What do you care?“Gabrielle: “Its awkward! Its-its like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party, and you showed up wearing it.“Edie: “Aga
20、in, if you gave it away in the first place, then what the hell are you bitching about?“Gabrielle: “Look, Edie, just find your own men and stop snapping up other peoples castoffs!“Edie: “And what if I dont?“Gabrielle: “Then be prepared to suffer the consequences.“Edie: “Oh, please. You are as tall as
21、 my legs. What are you gonna do?“Gabrielle: “Youre about to find out.“SUSANS HOUSESusan and Julie are putting away groceries when the doorbell rings. Julie looks out the window.Susan: “Who is it this time?“Julie: “Um. its Ian. You gonna talk to him?“Susan: “No.“Julie: “Uh, hes got flowers.“Susan: “I
22、 dont care.“Julie: “Looks like its two dozen roses.“Susan: “Oh, good. I hope the thorns rip him to shreds.“Julie: “Okay, mom, I know what Mike and Ian did was wrong, but-“Susan: “They bet me in a game of poker. They made decisions about my life over a hand of five-card stud. Wrong does not even begi
23、n to cover it.“Julie: “Okay, okay, but there are only two guys in this world who know all of your flaws and have still found a way to love you. Youre just gonna toss em both away?“Susan: “Yes. I dont need a man. I dont even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years.twenty-two years of my l
24、ife, and I can go a few more.“Julie looks out the window again.Julie: “This should be interesting.“Susan: “What?“Julie: “Mike just walked up.“OUTSIDE SUSANS HOUSEMike leans against the fence as he begins talking to Ian.Mike: “Give it up. She didnt answer the first ten times. Shes not gonna answer it
25、 now. Oh, this is getting sad. Take it like a Brit- stiff upper lip.“Ian: “You know what? Ive just about bloody had it with you. I preferred you when you were comatose and pooping in a bag!“Mike: “Well, lucky for you, I dont have that bag right now.“Ian: “All right, that does it.“Ian throws down the
26、 roses and stalks towards Mike. Julie opens the door.Julie: “Uh, excuse me? Guys? Hi. Um, my mom would really like for both of you to leave.“From inside, behind the door, Susan prompts Julie on what to say.Susan: “Dont soft-pedal it. Let em know I mean business.“Julie: “Uh, cause if you- if you dont
27、, shell be very, very disappointed.“Susan: “Rip em!“Julie: “So just, um.go home and think about what youve done.“Susan hits Julie in the leg.Julie: “If you want something bitchier, do it yourself!“The door closes.SCAVO RESTAURANTIn the deserted restaurant, Rick places a plate of food in front of Lyn
28、ette, whos sitting at a table.Rick: “Here we are-ravioli stuffed with duck confit in a porcini cream sauce. What do you think?“Lynette: “I think its a shame you didnt make any for yourself.“She reaches out and pulls Ricks plate of food towards her slightly. Her phone rings. She answers it and its To
29、m.Lynette: “Hi, honey.“Tom: “Hey, I just wanted to say I love you.“Lynette: “Arent you sweet? Whats that noise in the background? Are the boys still up?“Tom: “Yeah, they dont want to go to bed.“Lynette: “Well, of course they dont. Theyre kids. Youre the dad. Make em.“Tom: “Well, I tried, honey, but
30、they wanna wait up for you. They.they miss their mom.“Lynette: “Ah, is this your way of guilting me into coming back home?“Tom: “Lynette, the-the restaurant did close a half-hour ago. Preston, dont throw pudding!“Lynette: “Oh, Tom.Im sorry. I cant come home. Were, um.doing inventory, so.it could be
31、a while.“Tom: “Well, okay. Try to hurry?“Lynette: “I will. I love you. Bye.“She hangs up.Rick: “Inventory?“Lynette: “I know. Im a horrible person. I just chose ravioli over motherhood. I should-I should go home.“Rick: “Lynette, you got nothing to feel guilty about. You bust your ass in this restaura
32、nt every day to keep it going, and if anybody deserves a little downtime, its you.“Lynette: “Those are shameless rationalizations. Keep them coming.“She gestures to the ravioli.Lynette: “Those, too.“He feeds her a piece of ravioli.OUTSIDE LYNETTES HOUSEParker is standing outside the house, watching
33、Mrs. McCluskey clean her front door. Tom walks outside slowly, leaning heavily on a cane.Tom: “There you are. What are you doing outside?“Parker: “Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McCluskeys house.“Tom: “Oh, jeez. They shouldnt have done that.“Parker: “We should go talk to her.“Tom: “No. Its late. U
34、h, she probably doesnt want us to bother her.“Parker: “Come on, bud. Bedtime.“They go inside.GABRIELLES HOUSEGabrielle is talking to Susan and Lynette.Gabrielle: “So heres whats gonna happen- were not talking to Edie anymore.“Lynette: “What do you mean, we?“Gabrielle: “I mean, we as in she betrayed
35、me, and youre my best friends, so youre gonna support me because thats what friends do.“Susan: “And support you means.acting like were in junior high?“Gabrielle: “I cant believe youre not furious at this. Before she sank her fangs into Carlos, she was dating your ex-husband and Mike.“Susan: “Yes, an
36、d do you know who I blame? I blame Karl and Mike. Why isnt anybody mad at them? I mean, lets face it. The men- they get away with murder. Theyre scum!“Lynette: “Okay. Back to Edie.Im not sure Im comfortable ganging up on her.“Gabrielle: “Really? Because I wasnt very comfortable taking your side when
37、 you were feuding with Patty Monroe over the backyard fence line, but I did.“Susan: “Oh, Gaby, thats not fair. Nobody really liked Patty to begin with.“Gabrielle: “Dont even get me started about what Ive done for you, okay? Im still boycotting Madame Kims Day Spa because of your botched bikini wax.“
38、Lynette: “Oh, my god. How do you botch a bikini wax?“Gabrielle: “She will show you later! The point is, good friends share more than just gossip and brunch. They share enemies, too. So are you with me or not?“Lynette: “Of course were with you. We will give Edie the cold shoulder.“Gabrielle: “No, no!
39、 Not cold, frozen! I want icicles hanging from that bitchs ears!“LYNETTES HOUSELynette walks in the house. Kayla is sitting at the kitchen table, putting together a jigsaw puzzle.Lynette: “Hello?“Kayla: “Hi.“Lynette: “Hey, do you still want me to look at that book report?“Kayla: “Daddy helped me yes
40、terday. You werent home.“Lynette: “Oh. Okay.“Kayla: “Daddy does everything lately. How come you always come home so late?“Lynette: “Well, Im really busy at the restaurant. Believe me, I come home to daddy just as soon as I can.“She gives a little laugh.Kayla: “Youre lying.“Lynette: “What?“Kayla: “Yo
41、u always laugh like that when youre telling a lie.“Kayla imitates the laugh.Lynette: “Why would you say that?“Kayla: “Because.its true.“Lynette: “I stay late because theres a lot of work to do, and right now Im the only person who can do it, and now I have to go to the grocery store because I am the
42、 only person who can do that, mm-hmm. So why dont you go upstairs and finish your homework?“Kayla: “Okay. But it is what you do.“PARKING LOTSusan is sitting in her car, waiting for a parking spot. The car in the parking spot leaves and before Susan can pull in, another car zooms in, stealing her spo
43、t. Susan rolls down her window.Susan: “Excuse me! Uh, hey! Excuse me. Thats my space!“Man: “Yeah, well, Im parked in it, so that kind of makes it my space.“Susan gets out of her car.Susan: “Hey, uh, I waited for that spot while the guy made three phone calls and flossed his teeth. You cant just stea
44、l it.“Man: “Its a parking space! Keep a lid on your hormones, honey.“Susan kicks him and he falls to the ground.Man: “God! You did that on purpose!“Susan: “Yeah, and Im about to do this on purpose, too.“She grabs his keys and rushes over to his car. She gets inside and puts the keys in the ignition.
45、Man: “Crazy bitch! What do you think youre doing?! What are you doing? What are you doing?!“Susan: “Im taking my damn space!“Man: “Get out of my car. Get out of my car.“She rolls the window up so that his head is trapped in the car.Man: “Hey, hey!“Susan: “Say youre sorry.“Man: “Let me go!“Susan: “Sa
46、y it!“Man: “Okay, okay. Im sorry.“Susan: “Say, “Im a rude, arrogant bastard who needs to treat women with courtesy and respect!“Man: “Im a rude, arrogant. how does the rest of it go?“Suddenly, cops show up.Cop: “Freeze! Was this man trying to steal your car?“Man: “Its my car! She-she tripped me and
47、grabbed my keys.“Cop: “Is this true, maam?“Susan: “Oh, all right, take his side!“EDIES HOUSECarlos is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Edie is looking out the window at Lynette taking groceries out of her car.Carlos: “Hey, who you spying on?“Edie: “Lynette. She hasnt returned my last two
48、 phone calls. I think somethings up.“Carlos: “Shes probably just busy.“Edie: “Yeah, well see about that. I am calling her right.now.“She dials Lynettes cell phone number and watches through the window as Lynette takes out her cell phone, looks at the number, then puts it back in her purse.Edie: “Oh,
49、 my god!“Carlos: “What?“Edie: “She just screened me! I have been screened!“Carlos: “Maybe shes in a hurry.“Edie: “No, no, no. This has Gabrielle Solis written all over it. She is turning people against me.“Carlos: “And youre surprised? I told you how shed react if she found out about us.“Edie: “Yeah? Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine. Cause I invented em.
