1、CABIN PRESSURESeries 1, Episode 3: CREMONA(bing bong!)DOUGLAS: Good evening. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. Just to let you know were now making our final preparations to Fly You To The Moon. While were airborne I do hope youll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars; th
2、ose of you sitting on the left-hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right-hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand; in other words, baby, kiss me.Cabin doors to automatic.OPENING CREDITS BC: This week: Cremona!MARTIN: chuckle
3、s Very good, very good. Okay, my turn.DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . “Come Fly With Me“.MARTIN: clears throat (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air Id like to invite you to sings Come fly with me, lets fly, lets fly awaCAROLYN: intercom Martin! Martin, what on earth are
4、 you doing?MARTIN: Carolyn! Iohyes! Nothing!CAROLYN: Whats going on in there? Youve been on stand for half an hour! Ive been waiting for you in the portacabin!DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.CAROLYN: But you didnt come in!DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light
5、was on and we thought you might still be there.CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows thats not true, but I have things to tell you.In the portacabin.CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess whos got a job tomorrow? Ill give you a clue: its us.DOUGLAS: And they called Hitc
6、hcock the master of suspense.CAROLYN: Anyway, youll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy.MARTIN: A film star?CAROLYN: Mm-hmm.MARTIN: Which one?CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay.MARTIN: Oh, yes, wasnt sheARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?!DOUGLAS: Good lord, Arthur, I didnt know you were here!ARTHUR: Hes
7、ter Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! MARTIN: What were you doing behind there?CAROLYN: And what are you talking about, idiot child?ARTHUR: She was Griselda, the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot! CAROLYN: Oh, was she.ARTHUR: YES! Shes the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalib
8、ur!DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur.ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excaliburs a person.DOUGLAS: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers?ARTHUR: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out hes a vampire!CAROLYN: Arthur? Theres somethi
9、ng on your face.ARTHUR: Oh. Got it?CAROLYN: No, no, lower, its hanging off the bottom of your face. Its a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh, and its flapping about making a horrible noise. Will you make it stop?ARTHUR: Right. Yes. Sorry, Mum.CAROLYN: Thank you. Now scatter to the winds, all of yo
10、u. Martin, flight plan; Douglas, load sheet; Arthur, coffee.ARTHUR: Right.CAROLYN: Fly, my pretties, fly!MARTIN: Come on, monkey face.ARTHUR: Right-o! They exit.DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine were staying at the Excelsior?CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because thats as close as youre get
11、ting. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi.DOUGLAS: Oh, no! The Garibaldis an absolute dump!CAROLYN: A dump, yes, but a keenly priced dump.DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline wed be staying at the Excelsior.CAROLYN: Agreed, and if you were proper pilots
12、youd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now go and do me that load sheet. One passenger, and a dozen shirts.DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses, is she?CAROLYN: No, the films set in Fascist Italy. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the, um . . . DOUGLAS: Extras?CAR
13、OLYN: Yes, playing . . . DOUGLAS: Blackshirts?CAROLYN: Precisely.The next day, in the portacabin.MARTIN: “Good moooorning, madam, and welco“ No. Maam. “Good morning, maam, and welc“ No, shes not the Queen! Hmm. “Good morning, Ms Macaulay, and wel“ No, madam. ARTHUR and DOUGLAS enter, with the sound
14、of voices in the backgroundARTHUR: thing is, is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes?DOUGLAS: Hmm. I really dont know.ARTHUR: You see, part of me thinksDOUGLAS: Oh, Im sorry, did I say know? I meant care. I dont really care. Morning, Mart
15、in, youre looking very smart.MARTIN: No Im not, no more than usual, this is how I always look, what are you saying?DOUGLAS: Yes, youre quite right, it was an unforgivable compliment, I do apologize. Now then, Arthur, spot test.ARTHUR: Oh, great! I love these.DOUGLAS: What can you tell me about the g
16、roup of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin?ARTHUR: Right. Um, I didnt really notice them. Um . . . Mostly men, I think. Uh, I think one of them had a beard . . . thats it.DOUGLAS: There are about thirty of them, all wearing homemade suits of armour, and singing a song about a d
17、ragon.ARTHUR: Yeah, now you say that . . . MARTIN: Suits of armour? Why on earthHESTER MACAULAY enters, accompanied by the strains of the crowd singing “as it was written, so it shall BEEEEE . . . !“HESTER: Thank you, thank you! Yes, thank you. door slams shut Oh. Hello. MJN Air?MARTIN: Yes! Hel-lo.
18、 Er, good morning, missmadam, and well, m-m-madam Macaulay, miss MammMmMs Macaulay!HESTER: Ooh! Thank you. But please, call me Hester.DOUGLAS: Yes, the full titles rather a mouthful, isnt it?MARTIN: Th-th-th-this is First OffiI mean, Im . . . Captain Martin Crieff, but this is the first officer, Dou
19、glas Richardson, the co-pilot.HESTER: Pleased to meet you, Mr Co-Pilot. Is that like being a co-star?DOUGLAS: I suppose it is, yes.MARTIN: laughs Well not really, I mean, co-star is equal with the other co-star whereas the co-pilot is junior to me.HESTER: Oh yes, Im sure he is, Captain Crieff.MARTIN
20、: Please, call me madamMARTIN! HESTER: Thank you, Martin, I will. And who is this?ARTHUR: Hello! I am Arthur.HESTER: What.ARTHUR: Er . . . Im Arthur?HESTER: “King of the Britons“?ARTHUR: Steward of the Aeroplane.DOUGLAS: He, er, he really is called Arthur.HESTER: Oh. Oh, Im so sorry, Arthur. I thoug
21、ht you were one of those . . . idiotic fans. Now, I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager?MARTIN: Oh yes, yes, of course! Just through that door there.HESTER: Thank you so much, Captainah, Martin.MARTIN: Oh, youre quite welcome, Hester.HESTER exits.DOUGLAS: Oh, quite welcome, Hes
22、ter. Quite, quite, quite.MARTIN: Jealous!In CAROLYNs office.CAROLYN: Oh! Hello. You must be Ms Macaulay. How splendid to meet you.HESTER: Wheres the manager? I want to speak to him.CAROLYN: Well, Im her. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, owner and manager.HESTER: Right. Then what the hell is going on here? I a
23、rrive at what Im assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans.CAROLYN: Would you call them a throng?HESTER: Through which I have to fight my own way!CAROLYN: Im not sure thirtys a throng. A gathering, maybe.HESTER: Because no one is there to mee
24、t me, to help me from the taxi, to take my luggage, to show me to theCAROLYN: Oh Im so sorry, I had no idea. Well make arrangements immediately. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability?HESTER: What? Im not disabled!CAROLYN: Oh! Oh, Im sorry, I thought you said you couldnt get out of a ta
25、xi without help.HESTER: Listen. Have you even flown a film star before?CAROLYN: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. Hes a lovely man.HESTER: Well, I am not Norman Pace.CAROLYN: I was beginning to suspect as much.HESTER: Listen to me, dearie. One more crack out of you and the executive producer of th
26、is film will cancel the contract and re-book me on a flight with a professional company.CAROLYN: after a pause Im so sorry if I have in any way offended you. Nothing could be further from my intention.HESTER: Thats better. And another thingis that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pi
27、lot? I mean, am I safe to fly with him? CAROLYN: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company. Later, in the flight deck.MARTIN: . . . and beside that we have the artificial horizon.HESTER: Gosh, yes! What does it do?MARTIN: Well, it just tells you if youre flyin
28、g level, or . . . HESTER: Ah!MARTIN: . . . or, or, or-or not level. And if youre not flying level you can correct it on the basis of that. And fly more . . . more . . . DOUGLAS: Levelly?MARTIN: Levelly!DOUGLAS: Lovely.MARTIN: And these are the altimetersHESTER: Really? They sound like a nice middle-
29、class couple, dont they? DOUGLAS and HESTER laugh; MARTIN joins in.MARTIN: H-how dyou mean?HESTER: You know. “Oh, do come in, lovely to see you. Now, have you met the Altimeters?“MARTIN: Oh! laughing, finally relieved to get the joke I see! Yes, thats very good! Yes, the Altimeters! Mrs Altimeter an
30、d Mr Altimeter! “Im-Im-Im Greg Altimeter and this is my wife, Katherine Altimeter!“ HESTER: . . . Exactly, yes. Why do you need two?MARTIN: Um, just in case one goes wrong.DOUGLAS: Thats the theory, anyway. In practice, its like Confucius says, “Man with one altimeter, always know height; man with t
31、wo, never certain.“HESTER: laughsMARTIN: Oh, I know loads like that! laughs, puts on horrible faux-Chinese accent “Confucius, he say . . . “ pause Oh, theyve, um, theyve all gone out of my head.HESTER: Oh, never mind. I probably ought to go back now, actually. Thank you so much for showing me around
32、 up here.MARTIN: Yes. Right, yes, of course. Well, Im glad you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe you can show me around a film set one day.HESTER: after a beat Maybe. Who knows.MARTIN: “Never eat yellow snow!“HESTER: What?MARTIN: Confucius! Hewell, t-thats . . . not one of the best ones.HESTER: Okay. Exi
33、ts.MARTIN: sighs What a lovely woman.DOUGLAS: Oh, did you like her? You seemed rather cool and distant.MARTIN: Oh no! Did I? Really?DOUGLAS: No.In the passenger cabinARTHUR: Hello.HESTER: Oh, hello. ARTHUR: Might I ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the enjoyment of the i
34、n-flight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today?HESTER: What?ARTHUR: Shall I put the telly on?HESTER: Thats sweet of you, but Im quite happy reading my book. Thank you.ARTHUR: Youre welcome.HESTER: Is that all?ARTHUR: Yes, thats all. Except . . . Im-Im sorry about that thing when y
35、ou met me and you thought I was a fan.HESTER: Oh. No, no, no, I . . . I should apologize to you. Its just . . . those ridiculous Camelot idiots. They follow me all over the world singing and chanting and telling me theyre my “biggest fans“. It gets to one a little sometimes, you know?ARTHUR: Right.
36、I see. Still, though, I just want to say: I am your biggest fan.HESTER: Oh really?ARTHUR: Absolutely!HESTER: Enjoy my Clytemnestra, did you?ARTHUR: Your Clyte . . . ?HESTER: My career-defining Clytemnestra at Stratford. Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier Award-winning performance in A Dolls House?A
37、RTHUR: You performed in a dolls house?!HESTER: No? Well, perhaps youre more of a movie buff.ARTHUR: Yes! I just lovedHESTER: No, dont tell me, Im keen to guess. A Light Shines Darkly? Tails, You Lose? Fardels Bear?ARTHUR: No, I lovedHESTER: Because I hope you werent about to suggest that youre my bi
38、ggest fan based on two miserable weeks I spent up to my bosom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck I only agreed to because my little cat needed a dialysis machine! ARTHUR: Right. No, I like the other ones. Did your cat get better?HESTER: No, she died.ARTHUR: Oh dear. Still, you know w
39、hat they say about cats.HESTER: What?ARTHUR: Theyve got nine lives! So, maybe . . . shes still alive!HESTER: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ARTHUR: Right-o!Enter CAROLYN.CAROLYN: Everything all right in here?ARTHUR: Im just getting out of a clients sight! Exits.CAROLYN: So often the key to a happy flight. HES
40、TER: Do please explain to me what the hell is going on here?CAROLYN: Difficult book, is it?HESTER: Not the book! The fact that, having assured me I would have no more trouble from my weird fans, you appear to have assigned me one as my steward!CAROLYN: I apologize, madam, but . . . Can I congratulat
41、e you on the hard-line manner in which you dealt with the menace?HESTER: What?CAROLYN: Oh, its just that so many people, faced with someone shyly telling them they liked their work, would simply have smiled and said “Thank you“ but not you. You let the bastard have it with both barrels! Well done, y
42、ou!HESTER: Listen. Its not too late for me to walk out on you, you know.CAROLYN: Thats true, so long as you can phone your executive producer before we take off. May I just remind you all electronic equipment must be switched off until after we take off?HESTER: I am the executive producer.CAROLYN: How can I make madams journey more comfortable?
