1、John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from VenusIntroductionA week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completelyexhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the deliveryand was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying h
2、ome tohelp, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better.While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, sheasked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother,however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day
3、inpain, taking care of a newborn.I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was veryupset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me.She said, “Ive been in pain all day. I ran out of pills. Ive been stranded in bedand nobody cares!“I said d
4、efensively, “Why didnt you call me?“She said, “I asked your brother, but he forgot! Ive been waiting for him to returnall day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!“At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that shehadnt called me. I was f
5、urious that she was blaming me when I didnt even knowshe was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was1fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.Then something started to happen that would change my life.Bonnie said, “Stop, please dont lea
6、ve. This is when I need you the most. Im in pain. I haven t slept in days. Please listen to me.“I stopped for a moment to listen.She said, “John Gray, youre a fair-weather friend! As long as Im sweet, lovingBonnie you are here for me, but as soon as Im not, you walk right out that door.“Then she pau
7、sed, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said,“Right now Im in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most.Please, come over here and hold me. You dont have to say anything. I just need tofeel your arms around me. Please dont go.“I walked over and silently h
8、eld her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, shethanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holdingher.At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. Ihad always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a
9、fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she wasunhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.That day, for the first time, I didnt leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeededin giving to her when she really needed me. This felt l
10、ike real love. Caring foranother person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled athow easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way.How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Anotherwoman would have instinctively known what Bonnie neede
11、d. But as a man, I didntknow that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizingthese differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would havenever believed we could resolve conflict so easily.In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and un
12、loving at difficulttimes, simply because I didnt know what else to do. As a result, my first marriagehad been very painful and difficult.This incident with Bonnie revealed to me how I could change this pattern.It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights aboutmen an
13、d women in this book. By learning in very practical and specific terms abouthow men and women are different, I suddenly began to realize that my marriagedid not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differencesBonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and
14、enjoy eachother more.By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered newways to improve all our relationships. We have learned about relationships in waysthat our parents never knew and therefore could not have taught us. As I begansharing these insights with my counseling
15、clients, their relationships were alsoenriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars sawtheir relationships dramatically transform overnight.Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. I receivepictures of happy couples and their children, wit
16、h letters thanking me for saving3their marriage. Although their love saved their marriage, they would have divorcedif they hadnt gained a deeper understanding of the opposite sex.Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started outloving each other, but after years of increa
17、sing frustration and disappointment theylost their passion and decided to give up. Before getting a divorce, however, theyattended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, “We have tried everythingto make this relationship work. We are just too different.“During the seminar they were amazed to l
18、earn that their differences were not onlynormal but were to be expected. They were comforted that other couples hadexperienced the same patterns of relating. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained atotally new understanding of men and women.They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously ch
19、anged. No longer headingtoward a divorce, they looked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jimsaid, “This information aboutour differences has given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could everreceive. We are loving each other again.“Six years later, when they invited me t
20、o visit their new home and family, they werestill loving each other. They were still dunking me for helping them to understandeach other and stay married.Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, howdifferent is still undefined for most people. Many books in the last ten
21、 years haveforged ahead, attempting to define these differences. Though important advanceshave been made, many books are one-sided and unfortunately reinforce mistrustand resentment toward the opposite sex. One sex is generally viewed as beingvictimized by the other. A definitive guide was needed fo
22、r understanding howhealthy men and women are different.To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understandingof our differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutualtrust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. As a
23、result ofquestioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationship seminars I have beenable to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explorethese differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down.Opening the heart results m greater forgiveness and
24、increased motivation to giveand receive love and support. With this new awareness, you will, I hope, go beyondthe suggestions in this book and continue to develop ways in which you can relatelovingly to the opposite sex.All of the principles in this book have been tested and tried. At least 90 perce
25、nt ofthe more than 25,000 individuals questioned have enthusiastically recognizedthemselves m these descriptions. If you find yourself nodding your head whilereading this book, saying “Yes, yes this is me youre talking about,“ then you aredefinitely not alone. And just as others have benefited from
26、applying the insights inthis book, you can as well.Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus reveals new strategies for reducingtension in relationships and creating morelove by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. It thenoffers practical suggestions about how to reduce f
27、rustration and disappointment andto create increasing happiness and intimacy. Relationships do not have to be such astruggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension,5resentment, or conflict.So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, butwhen t
28、here is tension they do not know what to do to make things better. Throughunderstanding how completely different men and women are, you will learn newways for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite sex.You will learn how to create the love you deserve. As you read this
29、 book you maywonder how anybody succeeds in having a successful relationship without it.Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships inthe I990s. It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not onlydo men and women cornmunicate differently but the
30、y think, feel, perceive, react,respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be fromdifferent planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of thefrustration in dealing with and trying
31、to understand the opposite sex.Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectationsare easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from youas someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differencesinstead of resisting or
32、trying to change them.Most important, throughout this book you will learn practical techniques for solvingthe problems that arise from our differences. This book is not just a theoreticalanalysis of psychological differences but also a practical manual for how to succeedin creating loving relationsh
33、ips.The truth of these principles is self-evident and can be validated by your ownexperience as well as by common sense. Many examples will simply and concisely express what you have always intuitively known. Thisvalidation will assist you in being you and in not losing yourself in your relationship
34、s.In response to these insights, men often say “This is exactly how I am. Have youbeen following me around? I no longer feel like something is wrong with me.“Women often say “Finally my husband listens to me. I dont have to fight to bevalidated. When you explain our differences, my husband understan
35、ds. Thank you!“These are but a few of the thousands of inspirational comments that people haveshared after learning that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Theresults of this new program for understanding the opposite sex are not onlydramatic and immediate but also long lasting.Certainly th
36、e journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times.Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentmentand rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love,caring, and trust. The insights of this book are not a “quick fix“ to elim
37、inate allproblems. Instead they provide a new approach whereby your relationships cansuccessfully support you in solving lifes problems as they arise. With this newawareness you will have the tools you need to get the love you deserve and to giveyour partner the love and support he or she deserves.I
38、 make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you willfind some comments truer than others . after all, we are unique individuals withunique experiences. Sometimes in my seminar couples and individuals will sharethat they relate to the examples of men and women but in an oppo
39、site way. Theman relates to my descriptions of women and the woman relates to my descriptionsof men. I call this role reversal.7If you discover you are experiencing role reversal, I want to assure you thateverything is all right. I suggest that when you do not relate to something in thisbook, either
40、 ignore it (moving on tosomething you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself. Many men have deniedsome of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing.Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order toearn a living in a work force that rewa
41、rds masculine attributes. If this is the case,then by applying the suggestions, strategies, and techniques in this book you notonly will create more passion in your relationships but also will increasingly balanceyour masculine and feminine characteristics.In this book I do not directly address the
42、question of why men and women aredifferent. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging frombiological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to culturalconditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in greatdepth in my book M
43、en, Women, and Relationships: Making Peace with the OppositeSex.)Although the benefits of applying the insights in this book are immediate, this bookdoes not replace the need for therapy and counseling for troubled relationships orsurvivors of a dysfunctional family. Even healthy individuals may nee
44、d therapy orcounseling at challenging times. I believe strongly in the powerful and gradualtransformation that occurs in therapy, marriage counseling, and twelve-steprecovery groups.Yet repeatedly I have heard people say that they have benefited more from thisnew understanding of relationships than
45、from years of therapy. I however believethat their years of therapy or recovery work provided the groundwork that allowedthem to apply these insights so successfully to their life and relationships.If our past was dysfunctional, then even after years of therapy or attendingrecovery groups we still n
46、eed a positive picture of healthy relationships. This bookprovides that vision. On the other hand, even if our past has been very loving andnurturing, times have changed, and a new approach to relationships between thesexes is still required. It is essential to learn new and healthy ways of relating
47、 andcommunicating.I believe everyone can benefit from the insights in this book. Theonly negative response I hear from participants in my seminars and in the letters Ireceive is “I wish someone had told me this before.“It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a
48、newway. Whether you are in therapy or not, if you want to have more fulfillingrelationships with the opposite sex, this book is for you.It is a pleasure to share with you Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Mayyou always grow in wisdom and in love. May the frequency of divorce decrease andthe n
49、umber of happy marriages increase. Our children deserve a better world.9Chapter 1Men Are from MarsWomen Are from VenusImagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago theMartians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsingthe Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love andquickly invented space travel and flew to Venus.The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively knownthat this day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never fel
